I started therapy recently and part of this treatment (Narrative Exposure Therapy) is writing about my life, like I have started my memoires at 46 years of age. Am probably half way through it so why not start now? Part of my life I describe here in my blog anyway. So one time I lay at night thinking of this idea of a book. Like the title says how to outgrow the big narcisist in your life and believe me most of you will have one in the family. Maybe I can write about my life experiencing the toxic abuse of narcissistic people in my life.
Wether its a sister, lover or in my case my mother and an ex boyfriend. When you run away from one narcisistic entity in your life big chance you fall into a new relationship with another. Continuing the abuse and manipulation, falling back into a toxic pattern and in my case fully erasing myself. Not knowing anymore where I begin and whats on top or down.
My first introduction to purgatory started quite young actually, around 22/23 years of age with my boyfriend who was 42 at the time. He did not want to go steady with me and prefered the open relationship and he wanted to keep us a secret. I already came out a troubled childhood where both of my parents were oblivious to the trainwreck they had created, then falling in love with a totally unreachable man who did not want to acknowledge that we were together. Yet another person who could not love me or did not truly want me. After him I repeated this cycle many times over until there was no more me left, and the last man before I met my current partner, lets call him the second Narcisist, drove me to overdose on my anxiety medicine. That was a sure thing that drove him away and I had to pick myself up on my own. But not yet the best way how to outgrow the toxic narcisist in your life. If its a boyfriend or a spouse a swift cut direct will do it. Knowing you deserve better and start trusting the right kind of man has helped me overtime, but it has taken 15 years of experiencing a steady relationship to heal my wounds. Closing the door for good on my mother is also part of the remedy. Everytime she called me on the phone spewing her vile toxin, trying to manipulate me to start thinking like her, warning me that I too will loose my family like she did hers. She raised me in fear, mentally broke me down and made me feel lower then shit. She was a very jealous person and somehow she had gotten in her head that me and her man, my STEPFATHER, were probably having an affair. Yeah I can imagine that this happens in pornmovies but as in real life, my life the thought even gives me hyves. If she was not abusive with her mindgames she took to hitting me preferably in my face or my head. And if I would cry she would shout at me that crying was for weaklings and she would give me something real to cry about, threathened to hurt me even more. But most of the time she would mete out her punishment hitting me with stuff on my bare ass. Testing me if I could keep my tears at bay and be stronger. I had to show her she could not break me.
I thought I had burried all these memories but starting to write about the past bring all these memories back into the forefront of my mind. Some nights I am bombarded with flashbacks and I start crying like a lunatic. Other times I can’t feel a thing and am just numb. But most times I try to keep my void of unwanted experiences closed as tightly I can possibly manage. Most of my energy goes to managing the containment field around this area within my mind. A breach means meltdown. And the downwards spiral is not a fun trip. Not for me but also not for some who might be along for the ride but did not willingly choose to be close to me, but I happen to be the mother of his son, for example.
How scarry the meltdown must sound, its essential and I can’t avoid things anymore. I have to work through it as it is starting to overtake me I just keep telling myself I will get through it. Things people usually say are for example “you are not the only one going through something like this” or even worse “other people are even more worse off then you” they say in comparison, as if that should make me feel better?! Or there is light at the end of this tunnel, a very long tunnel by now. And if you are a parent you know how fast time flies by, you only have to look at your child and see how quick time goes by, yesterday they were so small, today almost a grown man-boy. After so much time has gone by why are you still not put together like the rest of your peers? After being depressed – manic – depressed and so forth you know by now, life is swiftly coming to an end, you must live life to the fullest and you must do it now. Be grateful for the time we have now is also what people say. But what do I say, where is my voice and when is it time I listen to my own voice? Where do I begin?
Part of the therapy will also be for letting go of past coping mechanisms. Mine is not letting my emotions out of control, everything has a fixed place and only the triggers can mess it up and lower my containment shield around the void. For me my mother is one major big trigger. Everything around motherhood, orphins, a mothers love, mothers dying or leaving their children, are triggers that can upset me. Feeling like a failed mother to my son is a natural thought that concludes into meltdown. Not be able to give my son a sibling is a total failure on my part as a mother. This is what I am told not a realistic thought. I don’t know yet what to do with the file containing all my unrealistic thoughts. I hope to learn this during therapy. So filing this away for later.
Another trigger is sudden loud sounds, loud shouting, screaming, barking of a dog, fireworks and other noices spark instant fear inside my body and I go into part shockmode. Thats when if I give into the fear and if the noice is not one isolated thing but it continues I can go into panicmode and meltdown is iminent.
Fear of abandonment is also a big trigger. When my mind gets any inkling that a “loved” one is leaving or taken from me in what form or whatsoever small way, my mind will drop me instantly in cold blooded ice numbness. The fear that no one loves me is eardeafening loud and even writing this makes me nauseous. I just have to focus on how much this trigger is about an unrealistic thought and I have to test the theory before condemning the suspect/culprits. Sometimes I count numbers in my head to help calm me. Other times a good large puking my guts out helps too.
Messy house is a messy mind. I don’t like a messy mind so the urge to clean is high. I do not have OCD or autism but people sometimes do describe me as such. I just want to keep in control, and cleaning helps to calm my state of mind. We humans are hoarders, the clutter you acumulate over time is insane. My stuff is literally everywhere, multiple places and scattered over several houses. I have moved house over 30 times in my life sofar, so not counting the last big move beyond the veil, I don’t think I am done yet. So yes another trigger is stuff thats not how or where they are suppose to be (in the house or e.g work) annoys me big time. It wil not led me to spiral much down into meltdown but some of my collegues have driven me close to madness concerning cleanliness in the kitchen.
Another big trigger is lying. When I feel that I am being treated untruthfully I get scared again. Somehow I blame myself. All the old minupulations my mother planted inside my harddrive are rebooting and the file of mistrust and selfloathing are being run as a result of that. This one is also way out of my control because I can’t change how others morals and views are. It is like telling the rape victim it was her own fault, asking for it when she wears slutty clothing. If I respected myself more I would not put myself in situations that people can mistreat me, like in purgatory I let men treat me badly and the lies are so many and ongoing. How many times will I forgive a lover that has stood me up for example. My selfrespect file was not fully being developed in my childhood so I have to manually do it now. Dear diary of a slut, need I say more.
Addiction is another trigger. This motherfucker comes in many forms to faces and its the red thread on my murderboard. It started not far from the proverbial tree, my mother used cocaine in front of me when I was 2 years old and its one of my earliest memories that I have. Another is learning to rub my clit into masturbating and reaching climax also around that age. Probably because my stepfather touched me there, is an accusation my mother is spewing wether this is based on fact or figment of a drugabuser, I do not know or recall in active memory, yet. My mother openly used harddrugs, weed and alcohol in front of me whilst growing up and then brainwashing me how evil drugs was that it came from the devil and you almost always would get addicted and then your life was over. Ones addicted you were toast. That is a hard rule written on my mainframe. You shall not use any kind of drugs. Little did I know there were other ways to get addicted to so many other things then drugs. There is love. Sex mistaken for love. Men. Chocolate – food. Reading (is truly an addiction of mine) social media/internet/cyber. Getting tattoos. Sleeping (think about it it is not just a hobby, but a real need my body craves) Selfloathing thoughts or suicidal thoughts are also an addiction I can’t get rid of.
These are some of my triggers and maybe some might sound familiar to you. We are only humans is another thing people say often and sometimes we all have to go through life same lifelessons. And what I learned sofar is that there is just not one sure way and ofcourse it will not be easy but it starts with willingness to change. To re-write your own set of rules over the ones that were imprinted on you. To break the rule they put onto you, their will was your command but not anymore. It stops today, and tomorrow, and the day after that. You can write who you are because you are the one holding the pen. I can choose who I want to be. So after exeptance and moving forward in rewriting yourself comes letting go of the Narcisist. Truly letting go. No more contact, make a clean cut. Leave no stinking mark that will fester into a putrid wound and it will be your downfall. They are dead and now you can start to mourn. Then work through the stages of anger, hurt, denial, relief through exeptance into truly letting go and feel at peace. Sometimes I keep stuck in a cycle of my anger and I am not near any part of excepting anything. Have I ever reached peace I wonder?Knowing me, everytime I experience a little bit peace of mind, whilst in the throes of yet another (new) lovers romance.
Sophielief 