Swing till (after) you drop

After the drop to the ground, face down smacked hard into cold reality of being let down for the umpteenth time I got back into the sadle again. Nope, not giving up, unwards goes the search. The search for fun, relaxed and openminded people.

Then we found a group of people, a few couples, enjoying their freedom in sex with eachother at the phenomenon called houseparties. Orgie is another word for it. Or sucking and frolicking penisses left, right and center with multiple tongs to one cock. Mighty heady stuff.

I found them friendly and warm and most importantly very horny. It felt like being free and loved at the same time and I fell into big open arms of this huge God of a man with such a welcoming personality, another man I can relate to on a professional level because we have similar jobs and who took me by the arm and guided me into total extasy and then a gorgeous looking circumsized cock, my first, but I did not know how such a cock would feel inside, but man did it feel different. Awesome different. The ridges are more pronounced, the top was soft as velvet but hard as well and I can tell you I enjoyed him intensely. This was pure hardcore porn but everybody was most polite through it all. Oh and I kissed the girls and liked it.

It was very exciting to be dropped into a group of people who know eachother inside and out. Who meet like once a month to enjoy their freedom. In a time we all feel so restricted and locked up. Did we feel anxious because of Covid, hell no. Finally a place I could enter without that nasty mouth mask. Another restriction gone.

So we were the newbies and going in, you never know how the dynamic between people will evolve. We haven’t been to a houseparty together before, this was our first time. Luckily not last because we matched good in the group and got envited to attend again in the near future. Did that help my crushed ego, for sure. My man enjoyed other pussy as well for the first time and I could handle sharing him easily. The relationship I am in is strong and now more then ever I feel like he is my best friend in the world. We can enjoy sex with others and still be totally okay together. I felt strangely a bit proud that the other women liked him and enjoyed his cock too.

Eventho this experience was very horny and we would like to attend more of these parties, this was another ballgame in the arena of purgatory. Maybe the eye of the storm that is my life. I would still like to find a housefriend. A steady lover that can meet regularly and who I click with sexually and who I can fall in love with and most importantly who is in love with me but does not want to claim me for himself alone, who likes the threeway dynamic. To do fun stuff with, laugh, eat wonderful food and to have loads of horny sex, everywhere and multiple times. Not just one time only. Getting that has proven to be almost impossible. Am I giving up? Nope.

Lets talk numbers. If one in ten of the SDC contacts, that do show up, is an enjoyable fuck we have a succes rate of 10 procent. If I stop searching and chatting with potential lovers, due to dissapointments, I will not find that one lover. I would not have experienced all that good sex at that party last time. I must believe that there is more fun to be had out there, right?

It is not all about the numbers, I know that. You can’t click with everybody on a sexual level. Every encounter has differences as well as similarities. I recently met up with a potential lover who I had to turn down. In real life I felt no sexual attraction. Also for the first time I had to reject someone else face to face. I had to say that there was no sexual feelings whatsoever and eventho I dreaded it, I felt relieved I did it. In the past you could pour me some wine and fucking with a person who dries up my pussy in an instant was suddenly not such a task. I know within 2 seconds, honestly If I can fuck the guy, of seeing him. No more saying yes because I feel the need to please everybody. I need to please myself.

So work in progress, note to self. Keep going and stay calm or however the sayings go and yada yada lets just rock on.

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I die a little, too much

Normally I start with a title and work through my feelings of the experiences with a certain lover. The encounters I have with those particular lovers accumulate into one big nasty experience and as they turn out the same way, into dissapointing situations, I blame myself. The failure is all mine. Granted, that some also add to the negative experiences as well with a certain ineptness on their part. I can now conclude that its me, that is the problem. I am the common factor in this equasion. The voice inside that is telling me I am not worth it, I am no good to stay around, am too much work, is confirmed. The part that I do have a wonderful partner that finds me awesome keeps me alive and going on. What would I do if I did not have him? I would have died two nights ago. The title is about me. I am the bad egg this time, all the time.

The men that go through my drive through are interested in me for just a quick lay, to forget the badness that is their life and just want to deposit their seed, and not necesarily inside me. And then get the hell back on the highway. They say they want to feel a connection and not something short and meaningless. But when it is offered, it scares them too and after those feelings surface they choose the highway and leave me be. Its ok by now, I understand, I am used to it. It is easy for me to let go now, I have had too many that promissed more but were not able to give me what I need. And that, I can’t blame them for, so I wont. I let them go. And everytime this hurts, I do live on. But when will it not, if I do not adress my feelings and what I need.

My partner is absolutely the best, but the hole inside me is so enormous, it can’t be filled by him alone. It is not possible and it is not because of his shortcomings or that he is lacking anything. he can’t fix my pain, nothing can. You try with the usual stuff. Food, drugs, work, sex or love for others. Lets try with love for myself, that is not going to happen because that part of me is broken. I am searching for others to love me because I am wired wrong and can’t give it to myself. I get sad and dissapointed when I find out that others can’t as well. But by now I do expect it and I let them go.

Everytime I die a little inside, and the one who walked away recently, did not want to hurt me. I commend his attitude for it but he found me in shambles to begin with. The young lover before him completely shattered what was left of my tiny heart that was holding on to survive. It is dead now. The last of it is gone. I do not want to receive anybody inside me, I am closed for business. I am not moving on anymore and not trying to find the one who will help fix my heart. It can not be fixed. I am giving up. I must take a breath when I remember, but now it has seeped into other parts of my body and it is breaking down. I forget to breath truly and physically because I don’t want to anymore, my body went into shock two nights ago and I almost died. I can understand this is too much for anyone to handle, let alone mister new lover who I was chatting with. He got back on the highway, is to be expected. And I do not find it surprising. Who would want to fuck with a wreck like me. Too complicated, too intense, too much of everything and it will kill you. So get out while you can, right? This is my thought, do I need to get out as well and leave it all behind? I am waiting still for a therapist, on the waitinglist, I am waiting for help and scared of dying, but every thought and feeling that comes from that is pushing me that way. I do not want my son to get hurt as I got hurt and broken by what my mother did, also unintentionally, but hurt me, she did. So many times in such a cruel way. Nobody wants to hear this, nobody understands it and even when I share this world with so many people, I feel alone. Sometimes I think I get a glimpse of someone that wants to get to know the real me, he gets scared. And chooses the highway, leaving me behind.

Alone again, naturally

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