The empress strikes back

My body is on attack by unknown entities that run havoc on my inner system. The empress in me is not happy and is lashing out. Most days it is a struggle to get out of bed. We are finally getting therapy and I am willing to work on it.

Another party in purgatory has come and gone. Lying in bed now two days after, a nice lazy sunday. These were almost the same group of people that came together to lick, fuck and frolic. Two new couples and a single man were added into the mix and two couples from last time were not there. A very different experience from last time, but same place and same people who hosted the party. For me and my partner it is the second party.

I do feel a very warm fondness for these people but I also see some of their struggles. Again it is difficult for me to become apart of a group of people and feel like I am truly there. Usually I am in my own world, it’s warm and comfy there, it is lonely too, but I know what to expect. There I am ruler of the universe, empress of the mere mortals that fuck around me doing their thing and I have a birdseye view of it all. Have fun little children, yes fuck yourselves and enjoy what I am offering you. I like to give pleasure but stay on top and in control. I decide and it feels heady.

That is part of the reason I don’t do the drugs on offer on these parties. I hate losing control and am scared I wont like the person I would become if I tried the stuff. I have seen it in my mother how it totally destroyed her family life, it totally destroid me as a child. Knowing her high, her own pleasure, the feeling the drugs gave her was more important then loving me. It became so important to her she forgot taking care of me.

There is much drug use on these parties I have noticed. A part of me is wondering why that is. For me sex is a drug, I don’t need another to get me there if you know what I mean. I like the feeling of getting horny and hot and wet. I can get there by watching porn, seeing a guy stroking himself, seeing other people fuck. Hell I even find it a turn on to see my man giving pleasure to other women, I noticed. I masturbated while watching him give a women a climax with his hand. This time there was less fucking and more talking, which is totally fine too. We are relaxed, openminded people and most things are allowed but nothing is a must. I do need to tick all the boxes, the experience is also about getting to know oneself and just to have fun. I don’t mind seeing people use drugs, they can do whatever they want. But seeing my man use it, that is a bridge I fear crossing. I will not lose another loved one to that stuff. The empress says hell no to that. Luckily I have faith in him he won’t betray me like that.

People outside the swingers world often wonder why we (those kind of people that share their bodies) are not afraid of losing their partners to other people. Yes honestly it happens. The rate of seperation or divorse is exactly the same as in the “normal” world. Not more or less. We are all human. We are all at risk all the time. Some are not as strong as other relationships. Some stay together while others are tempted to go elsewhere. You can’t help yourself to compare people, only we know how someone now feels and compare on a sexual level. And if that person looks much nicer or gives me more pleasure in bed, is that reason enough to leave my partner? Fuck no! I can get nice, I have exellence. No one can beat the level of how he treats me. How he knows me. How he takes care of me. Not even Chris Evans would give me real temptation to seperate me from my other half. My man is top dog, he is my emperor and I do not want anyone else. I like to enjoy the masses but not let them into my inner sanctum. I like to give my body to be pleasured and give pleasure but that is all there is. I am not a potential partner, looking elsewhere if the grass is greener. I am still in control and I rule. I am his and he is mine.

To come back to why the empress is not so happy. Did she not get enough cock? Or were the cocks a bit dissapointing again, dearest ruler? To be honest, yes they might have been less then satisfactory. Did you not get adored enough? Do you need to be the center of all attention, is it that? I answer in complete truth, no it is not about that. I don’t want to be the center of all attention, not so shallow as that, am I? I like to be fucked more, and if I have that intimate moment with someone I like to be something special to be experienced. Now I felt it was more about the druguse and getting into a certain vibe for these people then it was about truly fucking. Some had trouble getting into that vibe so they took more. It gave me the oposite feeling of being special, the drugs enhanced their feelings and that feeling was more important then the feeling I could give them. So in hindsight I was indeed not in the center of attention, and though that might bug me a bit, I will not sulk long about it. It was a fun party and what happens in purgatory, stays in purgatory.

Now I am back in the real world, a little trip to purgatory and released some tension, back to cleaning house. Inside needs to be scrubbed and polished to be squeeky clean. The empress puts me to work so must get out of bed, again. Drat.

Swing till (after) you drop

After the drop to the ground, face down smacked hard into cold reality of being let down for the umpteenth time I got back into the sadle again. Nope, not giving up, unwards goes the search. The search for fun, relaxed and openminded people.

Then we found a group of people, a few couples, enjoying their freedom in sex with eachother at the phenomenon called houseparties. Orgie is another word for it. Or sucking and frolicking penisses left, right and center with multiple tongs to one cock. Mighty heady stuff.

I found them friendly and warm and most importantly very horny. It felt like being free and loved at the same time and I fell into big open arms of this huge God of a man with such a welcoming personality, another man I can relate to on a professional level because we have similar jobs and who took me by the arm and guided me into total extasy and then a gorgeous looking circumsized cock, my first, but I did not know how such a cock would feel inside, but man did it feel different. Awesome different. The ridges are more pronounced, the top was soft as velvet but hard as well and I can tell you I enjoyed him intensely. This was pure hardcore porn but everybody was most polite through it all. Oh and I kissed the girls and liked it.

It was very exciting to be dropped into a group of people who know eachother inside and out. Who meet like once a month to enjoy their freedom. In a time we all feel so restricted and locked up. Did we feel anxious because of Covid, hell no. Finally a place I could enter without that nasty mouth mask. Another restriction gone.

So we were the newbies and going in, you never know how the dynamic between people will evolve. We haven’t been to a houseparty together before, this was our first time. Luckily not last because we matched good in the group and got envited to attend again in the near future. Did that help my crushed ego, for sure. My man enjoyed other pussy as well for the first time and I could handle sharing him easily. The relationship I am in is strong and now more then ever I feel like he is my best friend in the world. We can enjoy sex with others and still be totally okay together. I felt strangely a bit proud that the other women liked him and enjoyed his cock too.

Eventho this experience was very horny and we would like to attend more of these parties, this was another ballgame in the arena of purgatory. Maybe the eye of the storm that is my life. I would still like to find a housefriend. A steady lover that can meet regularly and who I click with sexually and who I can fall in love with and most importantly who is in love with me but does not want to claim me for himself alone, who likes the threeway dynamic. To do fun stuff with, laugh, eat wonderful food and to have loads of horny sex, everywhere and multiple times. Not just one time only. Getting that has proven to be almost impossible. Am I giving up? Nope.

Lets talk numbers. If one in ten of the SDC contacts, that do show up, is an enjoyable fuck we have a succes rate of 10 procent. If I stop searching and chatting with potential lovers, due to dissapointments, I will not find that one lover. I would not have experienced all that good sex at that party last time. I must believe that there is more fun to be had out there, right?

It is not all about the numbers, I know that. You can’t click with everybody on a sexual level. Every encounter has differences as well as similarities. I recently met up with a potential lover who I had to turn down. In real life I felt no sexual attraction. Also for the first time I had to reject someone else face to face. I had to say that there was no sexual feelings whatsoever and eventho I dreaded it, I felt relieved I did it. In the past you could pour me some wine and fucking with a person who dries up my pussy in an instant was suddenly not such a task. I know within 2 seconds, honestly If I can fuck the guy, of seeing him. No more saying yes because I feel the need to please everybody. I need to please myself.

So work in progress, note to self. Keep going and stay calm or however the sayings go and yada yada lets just rock on.

I die a little, too much

Normally I start with a title and work through my feelings of the experiences with a certain lover. The encounters I have with those particular lovers accumulate into one big nasty experience and as they turn out the same way, into dissapointing situations, I blame myself. The failure is all mine. Granted, that some also add to the negative experiences as well with a certain ineptness on their part. I can now conclude that its me, that is the problem. I am the common factor in this equasion. The voice inside that is telling me I am not worth it, I am no good to stay around, am too much work, is confirmed. The part that I do have a wonderful partner that finds me awesome keeps me alive and going on. What would I do if I did not have him? I would have died two nights ago. The title is about me. I am the bad egg this time, all the time.

The men that go through my drive through are interested in me for just a quick lay, to forget the badness that is their life and just want to deposit their seed, and not necesarily inside me. And then get the hell back on the highway. They say they want to feel a connection and not something short and meaningless. But when it is offered, it scares them too and after those feelings surface they choose the highway and leave me be. Its ok by now, I understand, I am used to it. It is easy for me to let go now, I have had too many that promissed more but were not able to give me what I need. And that, I can’t blame them for, so I wont. I let them go. And everytime this hurts, I do live on. But when will it not, if I do not adress my feelings and what I need.

My partner is absolutely the best, but the hole inside me is so enormous, it can’t be filled by him alone. It is not possible and it is not because of his shortcomings or that he is lacking anything. he can’t fix my pain, nothing can. You try with the usual stuff. Food, drugs, work, sex or love for others. Lets try with love for myself, that is not going to happen because that part of me is broken. I am searching for others to love me because I am wired wrong and can’t give it to myself. I get sad and dissapointed when I find out that others can’t as well. But by now I do expect it and I let them go.

Everytime I die a little inside, and the one who walked away recently, did not want to hurt me. I commend his attitude for it but he found me in shambles to begin with. The young lover before him completely shattered what was left of my tiny hart that was holding on to survive. It is dead now. The last of it is gone. I do not want to receive anybody inside me, I am closed for business. I am not moving on anymore and not trying to find the one who will help fix my heart. It can not be fixed. I am giving up. I must take a breath when I remember, but now it has seeped into other parts of my body and it is breaking down. I forget to breath truly and physically because I don’t want to anymore, my body went into shock two nights ago and I almost died. I can understand this is too much for anyone to handle, let alone mister new lover who I was chatting with. He got back on the highway, is to be expected. And I do not find it surprising. Who would want to fuck with a wreck like me. Too complicated, too intense, too much of everything and it will kill you. So get out while you can, right? This is my thought, do I need to get out as well and leave it all behind? I am waiting still for a therapist, on the waitinglist, I am waiting for help and scared of dying, but every thought and feeling that comes from that is pushing me that way. I do not want my son to get hurt as I got hurt and broken by what my mother did, also unintentionally, but hurt me, she did. So many times in such a cruel way. Nobody wants to hear this, nobody understands it and even when I share this world with so many people, I feel alone. Sometimes I think I get a glimpse of someone that wants to get to know the real me, he gets scared. And chooses the highway, leaving me behind.

Alone again, naturally

Mister BFE

There is this dutch saying “on every pot its own lid fits” roughly translated. But the meaning is that with every type of person there is the right person for them out there, or you allready have that person in your life and sometimes it is said as a mocking comment if you have a peculiar person, who might be seemingly not quite that attractive but who still found a significant other that fits them, because every pot has its own lid. Actually not a very nice saying if you look at it that way. But in my situation it rings true. I did find a good fit and I finally had that great fuck I was craving for. Honestly BFE, BEST FUCK EVER, yes all capitals and it was so unexpected. With all the “slappe tosti’s” lately I was losing hope. Roughly translated a slappe tosti is a soggy grilled cheese sandwich. Not yummy at all. What I mean by that is most lovers that passed the stage are like wet newspaper. The difference is that this lover kept his penis hard as a rock. Slightly hard, is not hard and honestly to me a slightly hard penis or soft penis I hardly get aroused by, down there. The puss wants to be filled with hard horny cock, no sloppiness now, right?

Oh boy and did I get fucked the right way. I am still buzzing down under and have butterflies in my belly. I keep thinking about the way that he kissed me. All positions go over and over in my mind and I get dripping wet when I think about what we did. He is the first lover other then my husband that has given me so many orgasms in one session. Some came close, but not like this. The orgasms were so intense I even squirted, that does not happen and especially not even on a first date, ever. It took my husband years really to get to the level we are now anyways, so this is unusual.

Part of me does not want to jinks this by writing about him. But I need to put this down because it is an unusual experience and I need to analyze it. There is always the risk this awesome date will be an one time fling only. And I choose to savour this one in a special chamber of memories in my palace. The princess in me has found her prince charming. He is what I asked for, no begged for, in previous posts. The universe has send me exactly what I asked for. Level of Chris Evans handsomeness – check. Sweet, patient, honest – check. Exellent dick – check. Willingness, eager even, to share me with my husband. Is married himself and is in an open relationship and has permission to fuck with me – yeah me – check. And next to being an amazing lover, he has a nice personality, is attentive on the chat but in real life as well. He has these sweet manners while we were fucking, it honestly felt more like making love, but my mind must not go there. The sex is different from the males perspective and its just a horny fuck for them nothing more and nothing less. And I am down for that, but this was defenately not just a cold unfeeling hard core porn fest. This was in a league of its own. This was excellence. I had this huge smile plastered on my face afterwards, and when I think of it I am still smiling.

I did not think it was possible to feel this smitten and still feel totally content in my relationship with my partner. My feelings for him has not changed or did not diminish. But I want to fuck with mister BFE again and again honestly, I even texted him the next day if it was too soon to schedule another date 🤣 that has not happened before. I can’t get enough of kissing him, having his cock in my mouth, sucking him long and moist for hours, I want him to cum in my mouth again. I swallowed every bit of his seed and I want more. I want him inside me again and oh the look in his eyes told me he was so very turned on as well, so horny. Unusually horny and mutual these feelings were and therefor are so rare.

I was beginning to lose faith in the male population on SDC if I am honest. Thinking about to throw in the towel because of so many dissapointing experiences before that I hardly think it could be done right. Yes I was wrong, I found someone interesting who is mutually attracted in me. If the lid fits, put him on and enjoy the ride for as long as you can. He is not mine to keep but I’ll enjoy him anyway. Please Universe let me keep this one a bit longer too? Pretty please…


I recently received a notification that my blog suddenly was generating lots of traffic. As I treat this blog as a personal diary to ventilate my frustrations I had to swallow some anxiety. Oh boy somebody read all my posts and did not leave a comment. It forced me to read back some recent posts, what did I write again? A bit ambarresing to see I do not make any progress in finding that alusive lover, or even in my personal growth. Stuck in a loop, making the same mistakes over and over. Honestly this is purgatory so why am I surprised really? What I did learn from all of this swingers mayhem is that you should not take it all so seriously, or take oneself too serious. In hindsight the situations I have put myself in are hilarious really. Who falls in love with a 23 year college student, who was not single, did not want to give me his phonenumber, stood me up for our first date, treated me with no respect basically. And this might be the red thread of my life, the lesson that needs learning is, I am worthy to be loved. And anyone who is not equiped to give that to me will automatically dissapear from my life? Difficult to understand if you also have abandonement issues. But I do get better with dealing with dissapointments. In this swingers dating existence you have to create a thicker skin, get used to be let down often. Finding a nice person is like digging in the ground to find treasure. Its out there, most have been found by other hunters, but there is still some out there, right?

Yes I was defeated and you won the war. After I decided to let you go for good, that does not mean I totally forgot everything about you. You broke my heart, I fell in love for real and I know how stupid that was. I don’t think about you daily anymore. But my mind wanders sometimes and I wonder if you still think about me. The heart wants what it wants. And I found out that my heart just craves for this person that doesn’t exist. With every new chatcontact somehow I transfer these feelings I had for you and the ones before you, onto them. Am I in love with one and the same? Is it this composite man I have build into my mind as being the one? But is actually composed of all the previous lovers I encountered? I have asked myself this question before and the answer is no. Now I can say after a whole year of experiences, all the lovers are different. Also how I respond to them and they to me. I can compare now and can honestly conclude there is no composite lover. They have similarities, that is the confusing part, and I am no where near to understand the male species. But this I know now, yes, mf *jerks you are, but not the same.

It is a neverending war inside me. Struggling to understand what drives these men, what they truly think and feel. Finding their human side and connect to them in some way. They say men are simple creatures, they think linear and logically with fewer emotions then women. But offer them free, uncomplicated pussy, some say no to that?? My logical linear mind can not figure that one out. If I get another reader (preferably male), next time could you please leave a comment with your thoughts about this conundrum of mine? I would be eternally greatful. And it might bring some much needed answers to my neverending questions.

What’s not to love

A year of swinging existence has passed me by and what a year it has been. Covid has made quite a mark on the dating scene in purgatory. There are two camps. One that still go on the occasional date but do not go to big events or parties, not because it is unsafe but because there aren’t any. The clubs and saunas are closed and there is much social control and bad press about people not keeping the distance. And there is the other camp that rigidly stopped their social activities and spew their discontent about others who still date. Where do we fit in?

A returning question in my life, where do I fit in. I used to make a stand and make up my own camp, sometimes lonely but it is what it is. I recently was asked the question what I am looking for on the swingersdatingsite SDC by a new potential lover. I replied that I am looking for good dick. After a years experience that is basically what I want more of. Please stop talking, strategizing, analyzing, flirting, teasing. Lets move to the part where I get a good lay and be done with the hesitation, the flaking, the lies and empty promisses.

How hard I try to find a second lover that will fullfill my bottomless cravings, it is an uphill battle that I find too hard time and again and its frustrating. Not every contact feels the same though.

I finally had a very positive experience, not all are loosers or fakers. You just have to keep searching. I want an attentive lover, talkative on the chat, basic manners and most of all I want him to be really into me. The attentionspan is shorter then a goldfish of the males I encounter mostly. And don’t get me started about what happens after the date. Is the novelty the only attraction factor or is it me? What is the reason why they fuck me and then leave me? But really leave me, leave me. During the chatsession it can get really intense sometimes, it varies, but so intense that it leaves me wondering why it goes wrong. I have the take off under control, finding a nice lover is not the problem. Getting them in my pants and getting a repeat offender is almost impossible. This was not as complicated back in the day, right?

I just have to accept that this is the way of the world and let bygones be bygones. Talking about the bygones. Here is another list of them bygones:

Young lover (23) during the summer we got busy chatting and finding a good time to meet up. Very secretive in the beginning, not sharing mobile numbers. Just kik msg and any coaxing from me into getting more info on him was fruitless. The whole endeavor was fruitless, I fell in love for real and he said it was mutual and then he dissapeared. We did this dance three times and then I pulled the plug. He even stood me up once, so we never had a chance. And until this day it still breaks my heart and oh how I wanted to have done everything with him.

5 minute exit lover, took the speeddate ad We placed on SDC very literally. To stay in theme I will keep this brief as well. Not a memorable bygone, but the gone part he executed quite well.

Far away lover 1, he had to drive for over two hours. We chatted intense for two weeks. But when we exchanged pictures I already suspected he physically was not my type. I wanted to meet anyway because I know that someones personality weighs more then his looks. That aside I still aim to select a good dick so I gave it a chance. Wrong, so wrong. There was no mutual attraction he came prematurely and failed to perform. After he left he did not texted me back thanking me for my time, no more words, nothing. I texted him anyway thanking him for his visit but that I thought that there were no sparks. He then said that feeling was mutual but asked me if I wanted to hook up again. I said no, and that’s that.

Very far away lover 2, after all the messes I thought, lets try something else. A potential lover in another country might not dissapoint so easily because showing up for a date, performing badly, is not easily done because he is not here to fuck it up. But the good man was also planning to find his future wife and thought our contact was getting too intense and in the way of us moving further. We had planned to meet up when he would be in this country to visit family during the holidays. But then he suddenly decided to tell me he decided to not visit me because it would not be fair to any potential future wife candidates if he fucked me. I asked him to not contact me further and I chucked him on the bygones list. To be honest, after him I did consider taking a break from it all. But getting back on that horse is important so decided not to give in.

Ex lover (from 14 years ago), keeps in touch from time to time. Is very horny and says he wants me really bad. We had a brief, very hot affair many years a go. He is a bit older and I call him daddy. He gets off on it somehow, but meeting up has been put off indefenately because he recently was in a hard breakup with his girlfriend. She moved away going back to her home country and he still wants to meet up with me but I am not sure it will happen to be honest. His work takes preference to getting whoopy.

A comfortable lover, who I have been chatting with for over a year finally paid me a visit. Also did my period the evening before, alas. But he visited anyway and we had a bit of old fashioned frisking and kissing. It felt comfortable and I was not selfconscious or insecure. He wants to visit again so all in all it was positive.

Caramel lover, my first experience with a darker skinned man. Ofcourse you expect the stereotypical “once you go black”…I was truly well satisfied and I will category him into the “good dick” category. His credentials were good, he delivered excellence, he is not too busy to keep in touch and I think we will meet up again. Oh and can I say, he is one of few who has manners and is truly honest and is respectful. What more can a girl ask for.

Lover of few words, contacted me as part of a duo. Two friends who on occasion date together and offer their services to women on SDC. They both have a wife and children and are discreetly approaching their prey. After my experiences I offer discretion and give potential lovers my mobile number, kik or email and leave it to them how they want to contact me for further introduction. This one e-mailed me. We exchanged one foto, made a date, and the day before d-day we went into second lockdown. One male backed down and one decided to still come (hmm dejavu anyone?). I barely just knew his name and saw his face on one picture. That was all. Not his name, not where he is from, not his occupation and not if he had good dick. During the fuck session and after I did find all of that out but he was quite nervous about it all and I think this was an one time thing only. So bygones.

Drop dead gorgeous lover, the attraction was instant and extremely intense. Oh boy I truly want him but he is not willing to share me and wants to fuck 1 on 1. Also his work takes up most of his time and we decided to park our attraction and wait for better times to come. All good things come to those who wait. And wait I shall because talking about “good” dick, his will fall in the category amazing dick (have to refrain from spelling that in all capitals). Am hoping this one will not be a permanent bygone, but who knows for sure.

I am not giving up, this year sucked all hope and enthousiasm for fun out of us all. I wish for all of us that 2021 will bring more “excellent” dick, a lover who sticks around rather then flees the first chance she/he gets. Happy New Year folks 💋

Another one bites the dust

There is this new program on TLC about swinging ladies in the US. Partly I am curious to see and hear about other peoples experiences in these treaturous waters, but part of me is also scared to watch and see that others have a marvelous time of it and do not face these challenges and dissapointments I have had to stomach through. I could start a whole new list of men that have flaked around, toyed with my heart or flat out lied to me (oh don’t forget to mention the time you were even STOOD UP by a guy) Am still no further in my search for that elusive guy. Maybe I should write about specifically what I am looking for and ask the universe to fullfill my wish. Does it work that way? Well I have tried everything else. So might as well…

So here it is, hope you are reading this and thinking out loud, hey this is me she is writing about, yes well please drop me a line. Here is an honest, fragile, intelligent, romantic, sensual woman who loves to fuck, make love, fall in love, is adventurous, open and is offering sex without strings or commitment. Basically wants to be your dreamgirl without the hangups of clinging too much, unrealistic expectations, manipulations or entrapment into unwanted relations. I am a free spirit who wants to enjoy the male body, plural, in many ways and as much as possible. So this is me, where is he?

Why settle for one great guy if you can have two, and why stop there? Ok so Universe…some say God, I have been brought up believing in God, but after being with an athiest for over a decade now, I believe not in the God that is decribed in the bible, the man in heaven with the white beard and the one that knows all and sees all and the one that judges all, no I believe that the forces of the Universe are so much bigger, so much larger and unknown to us that our small limited brains can not begin to understand it. So we came up with a white bearded man and his son that died for our sins. Or all the other 900 God versions that people came up with long before I was born and will all still be there long before I turn into dust. The Universe is there. And my heart wants what it wants. Where are you my dreamlover?

As I talked about my partner before, the answer to my question and quest should be him right? Partly true, because if I could get another one like him, oh boy that would be marvelous. I allready questioned myself why he is not enough for me? Currently I love him, but I am not in love with him. Love is eternal they say and infatuation or being in love fades over time. Sometimes you can be in love and then it grows into something more. But the butterflies and exitement go away after a while. He is handsome, honest, positive, strong, great lover, the sex is awesome and he is the father of my son. The greatest gift I ever received is my son. I wanted to be a mother for so long. He made that possible and I’ll always love him for that. But what am I looking for, craving for really?

A man between the age of 23 – 65, preferably living in the Netherlands within 30-45 min drive away from our house. If not living in my country, then must be willing to travel at least once to meet and is willing to chat or keep contact through phone/internet. Daily contact is not necessary, I have a family and other responsibilities as well. But if you do not give me any attentions at all, then this contact will dissolve quicker then you can say take off your panties. I do not like to be ignored. You do not need to treat me as you would a wive or a girlfriend. No I am a (potential) lover who you are allowed to fuck, sexchat with or booty call. Nothing more. So no I do not expect daily attentions from you, just once in a while is nice. And if you do feel the need to have a few chats more often, thats fine too. I just want someone to feel something for me, to be interested in me and truly wants to know who I am, it is nice to be heared by others. I want him to be attracted to me and my body, who gets horny just by thinking of me or hearing my voice or by looking at my pictures. Now I have a few lovers that get horny ofcourse, but that alone is not enough. I need to get horny about him too. I need to be attracted too. I used to have a type, I prefered blond haired men. Now I can say my type is obviously Chris Evans, but no one is as handsome as he. But eh this is my dreamrequest to the Universe. I can ask for anything…the skies are not the limit here, there is no ending. So level of Chris Evans handsomeness it is. That is the outside done, inside I want him to be patient, positive outlook in life. Honest. Straightforward, I don’t like playing games or beating around the bush. You either want to fuck me or not, any other behaviour turns into fucking around and messing with my head. I rather have another body part fucked, mind you. Where was I? Ah yes Chris….lets call him that for now. This faceless, nameless, elusive lover I am describing for the Universe to send to me. Mucho skills in bed, skills outside as well. A romantic at heart, believes in fate, calls it destiny that we met. Wants to explore my body, mind and soul. Wants to share me with my other half, is not threathened by it and enjoys the dynamic of a threeway sex relationship. Is honest about his other love/sex interest. If there is a mrs. Chris that is kept in the dark, is lied to by him. What does it say about his true character really? And keeping regular (phone) contact is allso quite difficult. So if he is in a relationship it must be an open one like mine, that is prefered anyway.

Am I asking for too much, I think? Universe is this an unfeasable task? Is there someone like this out there? Or will the next one again be…


Remember when…

If anyone could be my hero, my true obsession, my role model and in the same sentence truly is not one of these terms, it is you Anthony Bourdain.

Yes, I identify myself with you because you never were shy to hide your opinions. We share some similarities but in most ways we were worlds apart. And then you were no more. This larger then life icon has left us behind. You left your family and went somewhere we can’t hear your voice anymore. We are still watching you on endless reruns on television. But no new cynisms from your clever sordid mind will be heared in the future. At least I don’t think so. I always thought of you an unique human being, one of the few I truly admired and could tolerate.

I often wondered your true reason for leaving life behind. You have seen it all and decided fuck this I am done and need to end my life? Maybe you were sick and decided to go out on the high note? Maybe you were struggling with your addictions? Maybe you were assasinated for your political views? Spending time wondering things that will never get any answers is time lost and useless. So is scrolling down my pinterest wall, useless time, lost for eternity. If I would know for sure that if I chose to end my life, I would end up being there with you, wherever that place is in whatever form that is possible, I would choose to be there with you and end this life.

Yes I often contemplate ending my life, we have that in common. I view it as a disease of the mind and partly the soul, but not of the body. It can be treated, and though not always terminal, it is fatally dangerous and it is for life, ironically as that may seem. I have my ups and downs on this rolercoaster but I still choose to stay on it.

For very personal reasons I always shunned using drugs for recreational purposes. I drink some alcohol but not on a regular basis and I know I don’t have an alcohol addiction. It was always a rift between my mother and me because I never knew how the feeling of getting high from drugs felt. Ironically she was the one that warned me fiercely never to use drugs. So I never did, up until recently I started experimenting with weed brownies. I think I am not addicted to them but they sure are very good. I like the feeling. Its like the sharp edges of life are less sharp, more fuzzy warm feeling and painstuff that would normally bug me like crazy, do not get to me as much and I can shake it off more easily. And sometimes you get the giggles and everything and everybody seem more beautiful and nice and I know it must seem like I am describing an xtc trip but I never had that. The brownies are made with my own home grown weed, so I know what is in them.

So getting back to you, and your addictions. If I look in my heart I think you were done struggling with your desire going to places that were internally bad for your soul. The more you travelled and saw the true faces of human beings, sometimes the larger your life gets the smaller you feel. Sometimes you shrink down to nothing and nobody watches that, they do not see someone fading away, when they are as large as you were, Tony.

How do you mourn about someone you never met. How do I explain to my inner soul that you are gone from this plain and have gone elsewhere? I still hear your voice, see you on tv as if you have never left. How painful for your family to still have that and must share it with the rest of the world. Who will show us beautiful footage of places we will never travel to in our lifetime? Who will enlighten us about all of these places with your kind of humor and the way you looked and listened to all of the people you met? Who now Anthony?

How I wish to have felt your lips on mine, just once in a single moment, to feel you.

Too marvelous for words

To the young lover of my heart 💕

You’re just too marvelous

Too marvelous for words

Like glorious, glamorous

And that old standby amorous

It’s all too wonderful

I’ll never find the words

That says enough, tell enough

I mean they just aren’t swell enough

You’re much, too much, and just too very very

To ever be in Webster’s dictionary

And so I’m borrowing a love song from the birds

To tell you that you’re marvelous

Too marvelous for words

You’re much, you’re too much

And just too very very

To ever be, to ever be in Webster’s dictionary

And so I’m borrowing a love song from the birds

To tell you that you’re marvelous

To tell you that you’re marvelous

To tell you that you’re marvelous

Too marvelous for words

Diana Krall

Giving in or up?

How to cope with dissapointments? Do I find fault with myself again if this new flirtation crashes again before it can become more then that. The men that approach me on the site are not easy to read to what their true intentions are. Do they want an easy fuck? Do they want to fall in love or want no complications at all. Is it safer to pursue a woman who allready is in a relationship? Less work for you on the emotional side of things? We all want funtimes in our lives, why make it hard?

They all say they are searching for something more then just a meaningless fuck. They all say they want a fun connection and they aproach me through SDC and we start chatting to see if there is one. Up until now with every guy I found there is something quite not right. Some are handsome but have a shitty personality. Some are not attractive visually but have a nice personality, and to know that I have invested my time and energy to find that out. Do I get the same treatment back? Hell no, to be honest we are in purgatory so why am I suprised? I don’t know shit about the real person behind this cyber thread.

Now I have found someone who looks like the perfect candidate to start a friendship with benefits with…then he got sick and then he turned silent. Ignoring my messages, seeing he is online but chooses not to answer my texts. Again I wonder, really? Am I truly surprised that this one too, crashes and burns before we can be together? One look at his face and I knew my heart would be in trouble. His words made me tremble and we had a lightningstrike attraction. I have been in this situation before and thought about leaving my partner for Andy in the UK just for a true second. Luckily he bowed out because my son was so young at the time and he needed his father, he did not want to create more hurt before we got to that point he left me hanging. I will not be able to leave his father for anyone ever again because I love my son too much and who in this world understands me more then my partner in crime? This new lover understood that and was willing to pursue me anyway. If I was single he would have dated me, he said.

Is it wrong for me to long for someone to fall in love with me allso, with such fierce passion like I love him. Who thinks about me day after day every hour of the day. To consume eachother in our thoughts and when we come together and unite in the most intimate way we truly know and feel that we belong, when time stands still when we look at eachother and that the world outside fades away when he enters my body and we become truly one being. Melted together, flesh to flesh and soul within soul. We truly connect and there is no stopping or hesitations anymore. We are in love and the concequences do not matter. We live now and not tomorrow.

Why don’t I feel these things with my partner? Maybe because he doesn’t feel this kind of passion with me. He does not believe in soulmates. Before we met I was still desperately searching, single and dating like crazy. So many dissapointments, so many meaningless fucks, faceless guys now that I have fucked and forgotton almost amediately after the fact. Some stayed and I had a relationship with. My first boyfriend was for a year and he was my first sexual experience as well. After a year he broke things off because his mother said she thought of me as spineless. He said that literaly to my face. Also I would have been more attractive if I would have been taller, I am 5ft. Second time in life my heart was shattered. The first was when my mother left me as an one year old baby to go away for a whole year to Brazil because she fell in love with another guy other then my dad. I have been told I lost my appetite to eat for months and I reckon I had my first experience in abandonement and depression that followed. Yes that early. My first suicide attempt was at 8.

My lessons in life are repeating itself. Eventho these lessons made me so much stronger, that I know I keep surviving the breaking of my heart, I wonder if my heart is truly whole anyway, I think it stays in pieces and every now and then I get a reminder that its not whole and lies in pieces in my chest to never fully function correctly. I keep attracting people who do not mean to crush me but they just do. To no fault of theirs. I am too fragile and pretend I am not.

I need to write down these feelings because I do not have a therapist at the moment. I am consumed by doubt, second guessing myself, burned out and intensely sad. Thinking of ending it all but knowing how much it would hurt my son, I stay in this life. I keep fighting to stay alive for my family because they need me. If ever they would not I would drift beyond the veil and leave this earth. To become one with the universe, merge my energy and end this search for completion. This search for a love that does not exist. Just so tired, I want to give up.