Happy foursome turned threesome turned nightmare

D-date occured yesterday and in total purgatory style it turned somewhat into a bit of a nightmare. First we got the notice from school that our sons teacher called in sick, meaning instead of 14 o’clock he would be at school until 11.30…cutting the time for dating way shorter. The men decided to come anyway knowing playtime to be short. Then one male had to cancel as well because he got a text saying someone in his contacts turned up with a STD and he wanted to be 100% sure that he is clean and decided not to come.

One still was showing up so that was still exciting because I hardly knew anyting about him other then he was R’s friend and he was going to join him for the MMMF experience. I did see a few pictures but know how sometimes in RL it gets to be a bit different? Anyway I hoped for the best and tried not to have any high expectations.

The morning of the date I woke up early. I had cleaned the house vigorously this week so that was check. I pruned, shaved and cleaned myself and put on some nice lingerie. He rang the bell nicely on time and he came baring fruits and cake, how wonderful was that! Unfortunately he did not pass the 2 sec scan. We have to go in manually then and find some attraction some other way. His personality was confidant and sweet. I could go through with having sex with him, meanwhile crossing my fingers he has a normal size penis.

Eventho I know hardly anybody reads this blog I could be cruel and discuss detail by detail how this date commenced. For privacy reasons I will refrain and say the date was fine. I will say though that it was strange he could not keep his erection going while inside my vagina. Getting blown by me was fine, but hot pussy turned it to gelly. That’s all I am saying.

The truly nightmare part occured after he left. My partner had made video during the date. As he often does so he can add it to his porn collection. Not truly thinking it through he let my son use his phone while we went to the grocery store to shop for food and he had to wait in the car. When we got home my son confronted me with what the hell I was doing this morning, with tears in his eyes. I was mortified and a hellhole formed underneath my feet. My son asked bravely why I was doing someone else other then his dad. And he was affraid we were seperating. So we had to have the talk. An honest talk about sex and how that is normal and how we thought he knew about sexstuff because we have seen his porn browser history ofcourse. He denied watching porn. But he seemed to be happy about hearing his dad and I were not seperating and we are still very much in love with eachother. So now we are pretending that nothing has happened or that my son saw a video of me giving a dude a blowjob and what else there has been filmed. I am not making this stuff up and it is all real. This experience has dried up my pussy faster then any list of failed lovers can do for you. I am not sure if I will get back on the horse again. I fell pretty hard so what is the use of getting up again. No, am fine just lying here, pretending I am not embarressed at all…

All the merry men

This is a summary of all the connections in swingerspurgatory, some that have been somewhat questionable or failed to come to fruition so to speak. If I am done discussing this list you might conclude there is something very wrong with me indeed (or conclude I am the biggest slut out there). My partner tells me that it is not me and two lovers can still attest that I am a good lover and should not take it too personally. I will let you be the judge of that after I tell this story.

1. J – you know what happened there I just wrote about it.

2. S – got my kik info from my partner on SDC because seemingly he approached us as part of a couple. It soon became clear he did under false pretenses. He was not really planning on swinging and switching with his partner, he soon just wanted to meet just alone. I told him as part of our arrangement that was not a possibility. Meanwhile he reveiled his intentions of totally wooing me and seducing me. He said he was hyper sensitive and sort of psychic and into tantra massage. I am a pessimistic and sceptical person due to a hard life and I experienced much pain and regret throughout the years, so on the fence I said give it your best shot big guy. I have not had a guy trying to snatch up my attention this aggressively for a while now, so this could be fun. If he truly was psychic he might have sensed my sceptisism. Anyway his partner got wind of his strolling away from her path and there was trouble in paradise. He texted me that now was not a good time and poof he went. I let him go, told the universe he could stay away for good and indeed he did not sent any texts after that.

3. M – mister Confusing I will name him. Meeting up again is still up in the air, not sure if it will happen.

4. J (no2) – not to be confused with the first J, this one showed up for a date in a public place for coffee and sneaky hot blowjob in the bathroom. Very horny but no emotional connections whatsoever. Truly a nice guy but married and his wife is on a pause whatever that means. He is allowed fun outside as long as he not talks about it with her and no love comes into play. He has visited our place, one time after we had met. Another date has not been rescheduled after we had to cancel because my father in law died beginning of this year.

5. B – started texting him last year but not setting an actual date because of he lives too far away and is also married but the wife is not quite aware of his explorations and she has been hurt by his infidelity before. He is a sweet and open person who I can chat easily with and be myself. I do not feel the need to pretend I am a bombshell all the time and he is horny and I like his accent. He is not superstar handsome (only Chris Evans is that in my book anyway) but neither am I and we get along and click on more levels then physical attraction alone. So the ball is in his corner and he needs to check his schedule for when we can meet. He is very much welcome.

6. C – yes! This is an American guy who is just like Chris E. very handsome only with latino roots and well endowed. I have seen the proof because we videochatted a few times. On the shallow front I can pretend he is CE, unfortunately something weird occured again while setting up a date. For his work he needs to travel to Amsterdam regularly and through SDC he made a request for meeting likeminded women or couples to have fun with. We talked about meeting up at his hotel. All the while we were in contact through whatsapp trying to schedule the meet. When plans turned sour due to his work he was awefully quiet online and on the evening we planned to meet, he flaked out. No answer of my text asking if he was too busy with work or something, nothing. My partner found being left hanging on the hook not amusing and has told me to cut this fish loose. But I wanted this lover fiercely as hellfire. We might still hook up, who knows?!

7. B- another one. After all these mishaps and noshows and flaky fishes I was still positive I could find a nice match to have a positive sexual experience in this swinging mayhem. Though somewhat hesitant I picked up his request on SDC after reading his profile there was something that attracted me to him. I send him my mobilenumber and the chatting commenced shortly after that. We soon called and actually spoke instead of just texting. I send him a few enticing pictures, but now in hindsight I recall he never send pictures back. I saw a few on his profile and he passed the 2 sec test. We soon chatted about setting up a meet, but this is Corona time so it was still a bit tricky. Anyway I thought we kind of matched well and everything was fine. Then out of the blue he mentioned he was on a date (this a few days before we were supposed to meet for the first time) ofcourse I did not expect exclusivity, but to mention it so casually was like a slap in my face. I told him I did not know he was dating someone else while I had approached him for sex, I would not have made the suggestion if that was going on. He said that it was quite spontaniously planned with her. I withdrew gracefully and wished him well and he has not been in contact ever since.

8. V – this one was a bit before number 7 to be honest but what to actually mention that went wrong with this one. Young guy, living not too far away, horny and nice body. Only my partner does not like the way his eyes look, he has to put it bluntly not a kind look in his eyes. Our date hit the waters because the Corona virus and lockdown prevented us to go further in our contact and he has been quiet now for weeks. Personally I have crossed him off the list for a potential lover.

9. R – I said I would not mention him out of privacy and we are still in contact and a second sexdate is scheduled for next week. He is bringing a friend so I am getting some MMMF action. (Not sure if these words violate any privacy because only he can deduct that this is about him – but I will not discuss further how our sexdate commenced. I will say he is probably the most normal one of the bunch).

10. J&S this is the couple we had fun with in the beginning of our swinging adventure. I wrote about them before. Sweet couple, intelligent, relaxed and very interesting people. The date went well, a second date is forthcomming when the lockdown is lifted. And to be clear, they have not fled to the hills yet, so all in all a good ending to this summary.

As I am summing this up I am pleased to notice that not all of what I experienced was bad or sketchy or dissapointing. I should not dwell too much on what was, what is in the past. As I am reminded by my partner frequently, that more is to come in the future and rather put my energy in that then in these merry men that have fled the scene. I must stay strong and plow ahead in my search for satisfaction and concentrate on the good. Next time I will have a recap of the happy foursome experience. Let’s hope for the best.

Almost is never enough part 2

Yesterday I wrote down about J and that disastrous encounter. I thought it might help me put into perspective and give me more clarity. No such luck, yet. What I truly wanted to write about is M. He has me so confused and I remember after his visit, and he was the first, how completely out of it I was. I hurt my hand at work, because I was not thinking straight and now I have this scar as a permanent reminder. The confusement I think is about my feelings that came dangerously close to a major crush that can go nowhere and is not mutually shared.

So this is after J, I remember my partner saying that he spotted I nice guy (a man alone it is called on SDC) who seemed chill and cool. How can you tell by reading just a few lines of someones profile en seeing a few pictures? Well at least it was more of a positive sense of attraction that makes you more curious about a person. Chatting and sending messages on the site was failing due to technical errors so I gave him my mobilenumber to connect further on whatsapp. We exchanged pictures, told eachother a short bio, a few chats about our sexual preferences, rules and boundaries and set a date when he would visit. The day before a confirmation of the date and in the morning a text that he was on his way. Exactly on time he was ringing the bell and I was a big ball of nerves on the sofa. Let the seducing begin.

There was nothing wrong with the seduction part other then that I was too nervous that I wet my miniscule panties within seconds (not with pee) when he held my hand and kissed me full on unexpectedly. My partner was getting coffee and tea and without warning he planted a facer on me, not unpleasant. I think we were on the sofa talking, well my partner did most of the talking, for well over an hour. Then we made our way upstairs to the bedroom. My partner joined us a bit later but then I allready had my legs up in the air and him deep inside me. I can only describe it as intense. I have had sex with so many men so I can spot the difference. This felt too intimate and unreal and unusually intense. And I felt it all by myself. My partner was totally turned on by it, M was enjoying himself as far I can assume after the fact. Anyway I think it was all in all a positive experience. As I wrote before, how to behave after the fuckfest has taken place?

There were a few red flags that now in hindsight I can spot. I need to wrap my head around this and sum them up so I can learn from them and reach a decision on how to proceed. I am still so very much confused. My partner would say what are you so confused about? Men look at things with much more ease and so lineair. I look at things with more feelings and emotions and that muddies the water.

Redflag 1. The texting completely stopped right after. I did not know at that time that something had happened that made him less enthousiastic about meeting up again. He experienced some of his own redflags that I did not pick up on. But a week later he contacted me again and all seemed ok. We even talked about seeing eachother again but finalizing the specific date was pending.

Redflag 2. The date we needed to confirm was up in the air. He told me he would look into it and get back to me. The day came and went with no word. No answer of my text enquiring a confirmation. Weeks later as we were getting near the holidays in december, I decided to enquire how he was doing and wish him happy holidays. No words back just a picture of two children holding hands walking to an American style type of schoolbus. In the meantime, because of lack of words or response, I decided to check out his SDC profile page again. He added in his bio that he was in New York for the holidays and asking who is up for some fun. I had to find out this way that he was out of the country, he had not told me himself in whatsapp. I was still waiting for a reply that friday was a no go, eventho it came and went.

Redflag 3. After he send that picture we exhanged a few lines of text. He send a vague video of a dog. It all felt vague and weird. I told him eventho my partner had warned me not to bother him I had sent him a text. He thought that comment was strange. I had to explain to him that it was not and that was the end. No words of happy christmas back or happy new year, nothing. So in January I asked if he had returned safely. A short reply back that he had but no talk about picking up where we left things. I did not pursue the issue. So decided to leave it at that and move on.

Redflag 4. I should have left it. Then I wrote a blog entry about rules of conduct and it bugged me that I did not know what really had gone wrong with this connection, basically most of connections that turned into nothing. Because when M let me go I had turned elsewhere and made new and much more other connections that were faulty as well somehow. I needed to investigate so I send him a text asking for feedback. This was one of the weirdest text exchanges I have ever encountered in my cyberlifetime. I am trying to wrap my head around this one and I can’t do it. Ok here it is. I will try to break it down to just the facts. First everything is fine, he thought it was a lovely date he experienced some level of pleasure and yes he would still love to meet up again. Then he mentioned the redflags he experienced on our date and then we had a misunderstanding about my dating another lover. During our fucksession my partner made the mistake of suggesting we might fuck without protection. In his inexperience and enthousiasm he broke the cardinal rule of never be unsafe in the swingerspurgatory. The suggestion of it tainted M’s view of me somehow and now he was claiming I was not exclusive enough and basically was filthy like all those other easy and loose swingers doing eachother in SDC. Okay I can understand jumping to that conclusion is waranted if you look at it superficially. But people that know me and my partner know we are not like that. I do not think we can be like the typical stereotype of swingers. I was drained after this discusion. It lasted way longer then my description here by the way. I was ready to throw in the towl then he suprised me by saying that he still wanted to meet up again. My eyes popped out of my face bigger then the bigeyesemoji.

Redflag 5. The fact he formed a negative view of my morals and then makes a U-turn in opinion and still wants to fuck me. That is something I can’t wrap my head around. He gave me feedback and I can take it well as if it is just that, but then after that he basically says that he can still fuck me, gives a bad taste in my mouth really. He wants to try again and I am too chicken or too confused to draw the line there and say my goodbyes. I am hoping without having to say anything he will vanish on his own again like the first time.

Redflag 6. He is not staying away. We again have a misunderstanding in whatsapp and he leaves a voicemessage for me to listen and the tone is viscious. The tone was accusitory and he told me to chill and calm down. I guess he thought I was getting worked up by something, which I was not, but anyway I said sorry and slinked back into my shell. He was still willing to try and I was still guttless to say again how I truly felt because I was still so confused. I allready mentioned to him that I felt we were not on the same page, but he brushed passed my argument and ignored my opinion completely.

Redflag 7. We are worlds apart but he keeps trying. Am I ready to call it a day? He is from a totally different world. He is the bigshot, rich corporate entrepeneur and I am trailor trashy beaten by life, molested, abused, traficlight depressed and pessimistic kind of girl. We do not fit on a relational level. But the sex was great, we fit in that way all too well I suspect. I can make a totally male kind of comment right now. All would be great if we would both just shut up and just fucked eachother.

So do I have too much red(flags) in my ledger? Comments and suggestions are welcome here. I don’t know what to do. So part of me wants to run for the hills and another part of me wants him to fuck me senseless, again. Keyword being sense…as in no sense…as in yes this all does not make any sense. Hence my confusement. Help.

Almost is never enough – part 1

So these next few blog entries will be about the failures to launch and dates that have turned out somewhat dissapointing. There have been more dates that have gone wrong and it has been troubling me. Maybe if I talk about it I can wrap my head around it and do better next time. Although I have been rather anxious in starting up with potential new lovers and perhaps this is the reason why.

In october 2019 I was targeted by a cybergang supposedly operating out of Africa specifically targeting people with lovescamming purposes. People were not who they said they were, chatted me up and not so smoothly asked for financial support. I did not give it to them and after a few not so pretty discusions online, I unfollowed or blocked them on my social media accounts. I like certain male attention but this was getting rediculous. My partner said maybe I should join his dating profile on this site called SDC, its a payment site, less fakers or scammers, might be more fun. He has been aware of my cyberflirtations for years and he allowed me my fun with it. We have been together for 13 years in a monogomous relationship. But I have had open relationships before him so am not new to that game and always knew we would eventually head there. And that said, I joined and we made a couples profile on SDC and then our big adventure began.

J was the first to approach us newbies on the site. Although my partner used the site as in watching the cams and chatrooms like one uses porn, for years. Not actively going out and meeting people for affairs. Just chatting like I did with people and sometimes flirting and sexting. As in actual meeting up in real life with other likeminded people and swinging we were totally not experienced at all. We also were not aware about how we felt about it and what rules and boundaries we would feel comfortable with.

Chatting with J and connecting with him made us aware how far we would like to go in experiencing the swingers lifestyle. We chatted on kik and then whatsapp intensively in the beginning. When it became clear we were very attracted to eachother we set up a meeting for sex. Simultaniously chatting with J and answering his questions my partner and I became aware we were into expanding our sex horizon and he seemed a nice candidate to start exploring with. Then life supposedly got in the way.

First I got sick but the date was scheduled at the end of the week and I still had a few days to get better. Then my period suddenly came almost a week early. Bad timing you could say. Then the day before our date he cancelled because he got sick. The texting had reduced to barely a few lines by now and I contributed it to him being sick. After a week hardly any contact I texted him again and I detected a hesistance in rescheduling. So I suggested we meet for coffee first instead just him and me to see if there would be a sexual click in RL because meeting up for sex right away was maybe too soon or too intimidating for him. So on monday I texted him my schedule for that week and with his busy schedule we would try to meet up end of the week, he needed to confirm and I waited. No text, friday came and no word whatsoever. I texted that evening that we were supposed to have scheduled a date for coffee, and I guess he is done playing so bye and good luck. He then messaged back a few days later that he totally forgot and work was too busy at the moment and taking up all his time and energy. I replied and said I understood and it was no big deal but my underbelly feeling said to me: strike 1

We rescheduled and met up at a Starbucks near his work. Not to spook him I went alone and he passed my two second scan. I know within two seconds of seeing a man if I can fuck him so on my part we had a green light for that. We had a nice chat, the hot chocolate I had was not so nice. He walked me to the busstop because he had more work to do and it was a hurried goodbye, we both wanted to kiss but did not know it was a mutual feeling so we ended up with just a quick hug and a handwave. Strike 2.

After that we went back to texting, a few nude picture exchanges and then the final rescheduling of the sexdate. D-date was scheduled again on a friday end of the week. We exchanged a few words online and the day before all systems were still giving the green light. After my shift in the evening I send him a text, no reply. We planned for him to visit me the next day and I would be lying in bed naked pretending to be asleep and he would “surprise” me in bed at 10 in the morning. Ofcourse I woke up earlier to shower, shave and brush my teeth, still no text back or a text he was on his way. AN HOUR before our scheduled meeting he texted to say his new phone had been updating all night so it was not possible to contact me and by the by I am not coming. No explanation whatsoever. Strike 3. And you are out.

I texted back saying I do not know how to respond to this properly and what to do with the information given. Thinking he also has a smartwatch, couldn’t he send me a text with that or better yet go online and send me a message through SDC. That would have been nice. Again I was let down and not made a priority and I was truly dissapointed. He only responded overly defensive saying it was a huge update (iphone 11 pro) and setting up took me all night blah blah. Fuck you too, as in no fucking at all. I deleted his pictures and info and told him to fuck off in my mind and there he went. Absolutely no more texts after that, I had not blocked his mobilenumber so he could have texted but he totally flaked and fled.

So he was the first in a string of new contacts I would take up chatting and sexting that turned out differently from what I was expecting. I plan to discuss them all in detail how they went so I can give the experience the place it deserves, which is in the past. To read back and come to terms with the failures and then regroup. For now I truly don’t feel like going back out there. But when you fall, you got to get back up again.

And there is that…

It is almost two in the morning and I still can’t sleep, again. My insomnia or anxiety keeps me from getting the rest I so desperately need. So I decided to put down my feelings into words so I can get some clarity and hopefully some sleep.

The amount of typos I just had to rectify in the text above was astounding. I am clearly very upset and distraught. This storm of hurt and disapointment I feel has clearly effected me more then I care to admit. How to put into words how I feel now. How do you talk about something that has made me speechless? How to respond, I don’t know, honestly.

In previous blogs I wrote about my feelings about dating men in swingerspurgatory, the unwritten rules and regs, of conduct and personal ethics according to one another and how I think you should treat eachother. I spoke about how I can’t look into a guy’s mind, I don’t speak their language and that I am truly a woman with complex feelings and thoughts. That I need to create a thicker skin and fear I am not strong enough to cope in this twilight world of sexdating. I long for the uncomplexity of meeting a guy at a bar and having one sweet night. No I don’t need to hear your complete lifestory or how many women you have banged previous our encounter. I do not need to hear you are having a marvelous time with her now. Will you still expect me to show up for our date now that you hooked up with somebody else. Would you even want me to, regardless I do not feel like hooking up with you now anymore, ever?

When I start chatting with a guy online and decide to take the contact further and set a date for meeting up in real life, I am ready to take the next step and be intimate with him. There are certain things I look for and if the connection is there I make a date. Sometimes stuff gets in the way but I do not date multiple men at the same time. It just doesn’t feel right. I like to feel special and the person I am dating I like to give that same special attention. I don’t do the number two part very well. I like to be number one and I know in this game I am not the only one, clearly not, but I like to be special, and be on top of the list. Call it competitive, call it petty, call it jealous, call it whatever you want. I call it complexity of feelings and being a woman. The guy I am dating outside my relationship is clearly not my number one because lets be honest that is my husband. So am I being a bitch to expect something different from a potential lover? Its not a realistic expectation is it? So why do I feel rejected and morose about it now? It just doesn’t feel right so I need to move on. And that is as close to honesty I can get. When something does not feel right anymore, move on. Eventho my feelings are unjust and unrealistic or plainly wrong, these feelings are mine and when I feel this way it is better to let it go, let him go. So there it is…

Lets talk about whatsapp…

We don’t all use the wellknown app 💬 called whatsapp but most of the chat apps are basically the same and I would like to chat about my thoughts about how these apps are used in the datingscene. How to hook up and conduct oneself while the goal is getting laid, as much as possible.

Honestly it is quite difficult to get inside a guys mind, I will try, not to be biased and womanly feely feely about it if possible. So bear with me for a while. Is it fair to assume a man would like to get laid as much as possible with as little fuss if possible? Stimulation of his cock and ultimately release with no strings attached and with as many willing partners that are out there, right? To be honest that is clearly my goal as well, so no judgement here. When you are horny you want to feed the beast and you do not want to think overly too much about it after the fact.

What I am wondering about is ones conduct before the actual fuck meet-up and the rules after it has taken place. I have a few questions about it and not much experience yet to give enough true information about it. I will share my honest opinion and its still a work in progress. How does your chat-conduct come into practise while the main goal is first and foremost hooking up, sexing eachother up before the fuckdate will take place and after it is done?

1) Sending the nude picture: do you start with flashing the goods right away? Personally I do not need to see the one eyed snake pic right away. Vids of masturbating is welcome but maybe a bit later in the seduction? Meanwhile do I send a picture of my lady bits between my legs early on, or only when requested? Do I risk offending the other person or will it be a turn on? Seduction via chat and online is quite different from RL situations. Are there any rules I wonder? I know from personal experience pictures sometimes are not comparable with how someone looks (and feels) in RL. Also how do you reply when receiving a nude picture. I will discuss this further later on.

2) lets talk about settings: and with this I mean the technical settings in whatsapp that gives information to your chat”friends”. Some people know how to use these settings, others don’t bother or mind whatsoever. You either care, or don’t, that other users and your friends can see at what time you were online or if you read your messages, because when its read the other person sees that through the grey markings that have turned into blue. When you type a reply and the other person is online, will see that you are online, typing…but what happens you don’t get a reply back? The other person clearly has been online, they did not make your message a priority (others were more important or work related) or the person simply thinks I’ll just reply later, or worse never reply at all. Sometimes there are people that have changed their settings so no one can see when they have been online and no one gets a reading confirmation other then a real reply. This is a red flag for me. It is my experience true communication with people who are deliberately disquising their online info in this way, do not want to be bothered with “nagging” questions why they do not reply to a text from you. How good the fuckdate might have been, its my experience that communication with these kind of people is difficult and too clouded so hooking up again will never take place. Being too busy is often the excuse. In my opinion its not the real reason because typing I am too busy to answer your text takes me literally just seconds. People just do not want to be honest and say you are not worth their time at the moment. They want to keep you on the hook and not throw you back in case they are horny in the future and have no one better on the line other then you.

3) when attraction is not mutual or sexually charged. What do you do when there is no spark? Do you discuss it or just stop chatting and move on to another conquest? These questions are hard to answer because I have chatted with many possible online lovers that texted a hi-bye-howyoudoin but dissapeared without any explanation or answer to my text asking how they are today. Sometimes your real life takes precedent to your dating life online, your unsuspecting wife and children should come first. But after weeks no text, I start to wonder if the other person has moved on and an actual fuckdate is off the table. I need to research this further so I might text deleted lovers again to find out the answer. From my own perspective…I usually stop messaging a man if there is no attraction or spark anymore? But that’s after the fuckfest has taken place. Its logical that when your interest has shifted you stop texting that person. If I chat with you its with hooking up in RL in mind and setting an actual date. Men that have fled the scene…before it can become flesh to flesh contact…whats that all about? Am I too much work and not worth the bother? And I have not even nagged about it to them personally because this is all in my mind and just put into words as I type. I have actually been honest about if and when there was no spark. It might be too honest though. A straightforward person can be intimidating. You can just tell me that you are not enough attracted to me. For everyone there is that right match. I am simply not that person for you.

4) Premature texting ending in dissapointment, is almost what premature ejaculation is for a sex hookup. In the beginning the man in question chats you up, giving most of his time online to get to “know” you and is attentive in his answers. After the hookup, the intimacy was apparently solely for the female, she has to literally receive his cock inside her, letting him inside her is really intimate. I don’t care if you are an unfeeling prick that is a just give me lust-kind-of-guy, sex is intimate and the woman has feelings. This might not be feelings of love, we are equiped to feel only lust, but it just feels weird when you have commited to the act, you are not worth more of his time anymore after the fact. In the beginning you are worth his attention and afterwards there are no more texts and hardly any reply. Is it weird that I would like to receive an honest reply if it was worth setting another date or is it a wham-bam-one time thing only? Can I ask beforehand or is that bad ettiquette? What are the rules here. I have to do more research.

5) replying to nude pics. The male organ is what it is. Some are straight, long, short, small, big, purple and throbbing, ejaculating, bending like a banana, brown, pink, foreskin or not. How do you reply after receiving nude pictures. Some are without a clear face, being discreet is necessary. Trust is something that is not easily created. You do not really know the person on the other side. Will he be discreet with what you send him or use for catfishing schemes and believe me I have been there. I have been love scammed a lot and it has changed my perspective with online dating. Every online contact can use your pictures how they want it and you can’t do a thing about it anyway. I have full face nudies and I do not care what you do with them because I do not feel any shame that I have nudes of myself. If it would bother me then I better not make these kind of pictures of myself. If I was ashamed of my lifestyle choices I should think that I better make changes to it, right? So people who are secretive or dishonest, then change the things you do have power over. I usually say you are handsome, sexy or yummy yum but only when I do mean it. Why disquise my true feelings? I usually know in two seconds if I am able to fuck a guy or not when looking at his face. Looking at just a penis…is more difficult. Its about how he uses his tool and attraction is fueled by how someone looks just as much as how someones personality comes across in his words…texting. Once I was totally seduced by only words, he was a poet so no brainer there.

6) fear of text-stalking. If you use whatsapp you give out your mobile number in order to text with eachother. Some have had bad experiences and it colours their opinion in further contacts in chat-land. This is just pure speculation on my part, but I guess, certain guys are afraid the woman will start text-stalking him after a sexdate. I never have had a man text-stalk me but I can imagine that is a problem. Can anyone win in this situation? The woman is obsessed with the man and keeps pestering him online. Not good and truly not something we want to experience. Personally I try to be not too clingy or obsessive when I truly like a guy. Try to find a good balance in texting, if the other does not text regularly, matching my responses to the person I chat with, letting them go when they turn silent. It is the only sign I know of that person is not interested in me anymore. When gone, they hardly return and therefor I don’t know if there was another reason they dissapeared. Sometimes I like them truly a lot and would feel truly bad that they are gone without a goodbye. I ask they will say goodbye when it is time to go, its all I can ask for. But most just turn silent and I will never know for sure if it was me.

I am going to do more research on this subject because I am truly interested in people their motives in cyber conduct and unwritten rules in conduct while chatting with men. I will try different techniques into hooking up and see what has more result. Do I use the direct approach and set a date to have sex asap? Don’t take the time to chat them up and get to know them? Do you expect to become friends and be interested in in their lives? Take the (chat) time to get more details, pictures, vids, sexchats to see if you are compattible? You don’t want to receive a total stranger in your puss right? Or should I aim for only such impersonal hookups? Do I give up on my wish to have a regular fuck buddy? How great would it be to have someone extra to have fun with that you can trust completely, be intimate with without condom because lets be honest, it feels so much better without. But in the swingerspurgatory it is totally not done to practise unsafe sex, not smart anyway. And let me be totally clear I do not practise unsafe sex eventho I find sex without condom more pleasurable, it does not mean I am stupid. Whenever you have multiple partners never, ever do without.

This game of seduction online is truly an enigma for me. Am I good at it? I don’t think so. Whats up with me? Whatsapp failure for sure. I need more pratice 🤔😅🙋🏽

Insert: boob picture here

In addition to my notes up here: note to self, never contact a former discarded lover out of insecurity looking for answers. That is not a wise decision and takes up quite some time and energy to clear up misunderstandings or misconceptions about ones character. Yes I am a slut, but I am not a filthy person or going for the easy thrill. I do not want short term contact, that is why I am trying to understand the reasoning of men. I like to know what makes them tick. What thrills them what excites them. What goes on in their minds. On a sexual level I want to understand how to seduce them. To be intimate and connect deeper then just a cheap quick fuck. In the end I am just a woman with feelings. I need to take better care of my emotions and feelings. There is no room for that in swingersland. Must create a thicker skin.

After remembrance and acceptance follows…

Do we truly accept the past and does it stop there or do we keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Do we become wiser over time or do we stop learning after a certain age and accept this as it is?

Ok this is supposed to be a blog about swinging, sex with multiple partners and my experiences in the land of swingerspurgatory, it is safe to say it’s down on its ass at the moment?

I do get some chat requests from very interesting men, some stay around for a while, many fade away and have stopped texting before we can meet up. Do you meet in these uncertain and dangerous times? The stuff I would like to do with these men is impossible to do while keeping a distance of 1.5 meters, right?

How long is the attention span of a cyber lover, becoming a potential lover for real life, a guy that chats you up online with a possibility to become real because its permitted by my husband and lifepartner? Normally that would be a huge obstacle in other relationships that try to be monogomous. Not us, we decided we welcome fun with more lovers. It’s permitted and no lies come into the aquasion. Then the virus hits…one more big obstacle. The attentionspan in these times, is even shorter then it was before, I can tell you.

Meeting up at our place is a no go because our son is fulltime at home and that limits the possibilty for sure. Do you go out and meet up at their place? The new situation has put a big if in the practice of safe sex, again. Now that I have had a short taste of actually meeting a cyberconnection in real life and having sex with them, I do not want to go back to before. Just texting and admire from afar just online. So I am contemplating to go out and visit, to hell with the rules. But what if I get sick and bring it home and my son gets sick? These are uncertain times and so much worse then attracting a STD. These are serious contemplations and it boiles down to trust. I can almost say with 99 procent certainty that I am not sick. I go only outside for grocery shopping and working in my garden. Can I trust a potential lover to be virus free when you can’t really know for sure?

I trust that in the near future things will settle down and we will again attend orgies and parties free to please our lust and engage to fulfill our fantasy as we did before. How long that will take, might be longer then we can imagine truly. Will it change forever? Yes everything changes constantly and we should not grieve the losses. Yes the grass is greener on the other side, people come and go, love and life goes on and yada yada…we will always have Paris and there are more roads leading to you know where. In the meantime we have Netflix and a freezer full of ice cream. Stay safe and healthy. Check.

Dating etiquette

So we just started manouvering in the swingers dating world last year. and I started to write down my experiences and thoughts about it here in wordpress. Due to a death in the family, we have not been too active so far. We have met with one like minded couple, which was a positive experience. Very relaxed and openminded people. Only meeting for the second time, has not happened yet. The reasons for this is that life sometimes gets in the way. We also have had visits of two “single” men for a sex date. And a long string of potential lovers just chatting online that have fell through in eventually meeting in real life. I have summed up a list of what I gathered so far in this twilight world of dating what I feel is basic conduct.

1: be honest about who you are. I don’t need your full name, but honesty about your first name is much appreciated and the least you can tell about yourself in my opinion. If you feel you can’t disclose your real first name, be secretive about it, we are not on the same level and we do not have the same values. You might get passed this and give out a fake name, but in the end it will shine through what kind of person you are.

2: disclosure of marital or relationship status. With us its not necesary to lie. Its best to know what your status is because neither party wants a fatal atraction drama unfolding, and we do not want people to get hurt. Total discretion is a must, we do not want to intrude in ones private life. Also we will not intrude in your personal life, knowing if you have a partner who is not in the know, it is not a dealbreaker, but gives us the perimeter in which we can play.

3: understanding that I do not want a new husband. My body is to share but not my family life. I am not adopting you to be my second son, I am not looking for a new life partner. I allready have a wonderful man for that and I do not want to replace him. Friendship with benefits is what we are offering.

4: saying you are respectful or mindful or gentlemanly is not enough. Your actions should also reflect in what kind of person you are. Treat others the way you yourself would like to be treated. Small example, if I send out a text I expect an answer and not the silent treatment for longer then two days. I try to at least answer the same day but if thats not possible a few days is exceptable. Not weeks, not months. That gives out the signal that you are just not that interested in me. A short text back that you are too busy or your mind is elsewhere is answer enough. Sometimes people think they do not want to be direct in their rejection, that somehow that is less hurtfull. But untrue intentions or lies are much more hurtful then an honest answer or rejection. Here is an example in how to reject me: you are a nice girl, we had very nice sex and I like to leave it at that. Done.

5: don’t string people along. Be clear about what you want. It is ok to sometimes not be in the mood. I am a real person with real feelings and a real life. Not a sex doll who likes to have sex 24/7. So I do not expect that of others as well. Just ask me…do you like to sexchat with me now? Then I know why you have contacted me, or is it a genuine text asking me as a person how I am doing? Is this you being a friend? Or am I just a tool to jerk off on. Don’t get me wrong, I like to turn men on. Just not the whole day and not when I am at work. You want me to be mindful of your life, treat me the same.

6: you are not the only man I am chatting with and not the only man that I want sex with. There are many, many more and eventho that sounds very slutty, I have a high sexdrive. So I do not expect of you that I am the only one in your sexlife. You do not have to be secretive about it, we all know how it works. That does not mean I will give it my best effort to make you feel you are my number one lover. Why not give me the same courtesy?

7: personal hygiene is a must ofcourse. Next to respect, common courtesy etc. this one is almost the most important one. I like to shave allover, rinse myself inside and out. Eat no garlic or other pungent foods the day before and on the day of a date. And brush my teeth and do my hair. Dress really nice and make an effort for the other person. I expect the same in return. I am not a moviestar or a model, I do not expect you to be one as well. Someones outside appearance is less important then how he is on the inside. But taking good care of oneself is. Poor hygiene is a no go.

8: if you set a date, time and place. Its courtesy to confirm if possible at least up until the day before and when plans must change for what ever reason, send a text asap. On the day itself, lets say an hour beforehand although quite unusual, it would be nice to get a plausible, honest and real reason for cancelling. Any reason is valid, it should be a true one though. Not my phone was updating and could not reach you, there are other ways to contact someone. There is also the internet and sending messages with your computer is a good option when ones phone is out of commission. Or are you swimming in so many dates planned that you can act that cassually about hooking up? Because that is the message that you send out when you do not communicate!

9: communication is key. Say what you want, tell me what you do not want. I am not a mindreader and I know you are not one as well. So I will tell you what I like and don’t like. I am very straightforward in that. Sometimes I still do something you ask of me and it will turn out afterwards that I did not like it, I will tell you. Best is beforehand, for all our sakes. When there is no communication how will you know?

10: ghosting someone is never a good way. Do not ever ghost me, its the sure and only way to loose my attention. So if that is your game, by all means. Do not believe for a second to play hard to get, I do not play that game. Don’t think I will contact you if I want to play, if you don’t answer back after I texted you last, or send you pictures of my nude self and when you do not reply its a sure sign you are done, and then I am done with you. It might be an easy way to get rid of me, but you also look like an ass, so any future possible rendez vous are off the table, forever.

These are just 10 simple rules of conduct on top of my head. I could go on ranting but its just not worth it, is it? Just venting my frustrations with dating people will not change the fact how people treat eachother apparently. My husband is the excellent example of a truly good guy. The day he was made was when they gave out the last star. Honest to God, a classic top notch lover and life partner. He stands by my side and holds my hand through uphill battles. He is such an amazing lover. As the years pass us by, my love for him doesn’t deminish but grows bigger. Also my understanding of what kind of person he is. Truly a gem. I better remember that next time I come home from work to dirty dishes and socks on the floor.


Everytime I see hot airballoons, I remember the time I sat on a bench in the park looking up and seeing one going over high in the sky. I just had my math exam, the one that would define I would graduate from highschool or not. My math teacher was sitting next to me who dedicated extra effort and time in helping me understand math. I was never good at math. I was disastrous in math and it threathened to be my downfall. I had formed quite an unusual friendship with my teacher but it was never ever improper. Although he was the first man I lost my heart to. I was in love with him so fiercely, but truly just a schoolgirl crush and I knew it was just all in my own head. He was kind and caring and he always treated me with delicate care. All the men after him had to be compared to him and he still haunts me sometimes in my dreams. The man I deeply loved but never kissed.

Dark brown hair, green eyes and over 6,5 ft tall. Extremely intelligent, a bit of a nerd but with the face of a moviestar. He was absolutely perfect. He will never know how I felt about him and I will never know how his lips would feel against my tender flesh. How it would feel in his arms. The moment when I look into his eyes just before he enters my slick folds and we would have been joined together in the most intimate way ever. I will never know, but wished I would have.

I was 19 when I graduated. I made that wish on the bench, as is tradition when seeing a falling star, you make also a wish when seeing a balloon in the sky. They are that rare, you see. I wished that I would pass my exam so I could graduate. In hindsight I should have wished for something else, but the wish was granted and I could move on to college. Jos was 29 but recently married and happy in love with his new wife. They would go on to have children, something he wished for. He truly wanted to be a father, it was something we shared and talked about. What we both wished for (not with eachother to be clear), I wanted to be a mother too.

We remained friends for a while after graduation but when I was 25 I moved away and after I said goodbye we never spoke again. I never forgot about him and seeing a balloon will allways make me remember him.

When one looses their virginity

It was inevitable I would find a man willing enough to fuck me. Not only willing but also kind of sweet about it. I felt attractive and wanted in the moment. It was a nice experience but I was so nervous, like a virgin. It had been 13 years ago I’d been with a new man other then my current partner. It was intense and so very intimate and to share something like that with a virtual stranger was something I never have experienced like that before. It was unlike any (sexual) experience actually. I wonder if its just me or if it was the combination of me and him together. I have not found the courage to ask him if it was as special for him as it was for me. Afraid of rejection or hearing it was just okay and not special at all, I will just keep it to myself and go on being insecure and listening to that viscious inner voice. The one that keeps telling me I am not beautiful, that I am fat and not worth knowing. How much my partner keeps telling me that I am fine and I should not be so negative, I just can’t believe him.

Also how do you behave after the fuck session is over? What are the rules of conducting oneself after you have been so intimate and intense with someone? Do you call eachother now or stop messaging eachother and just once in a while a short hi bye only when you want to hook up again do you text? I have been out of the dating game for so long I don’t know the rules? I am feeling confused and thats upsetting me. This experience was beautiful and can I leave it at that? Don’t overthink it, all is fine. You are fine, the world is fine? No I am not fine. The swingers dimention is different from our normal day to day existence. Its on a different plane of existence so the rules might be different here too. I don’t know, what do I know. In either place I don’t know what is right. That’s the crux of the problem. I have said it before that I don’t speak the language of a guy. I can fuck like a guy, fuck you and leave you if that’s what you desire? I don’t know what you desire and its frustrating me. I want to know what the desires of a man is so I can be that. And now in particular the desires of this man.

This man, that came and fucked me so thorougly I don’t know what’s up or down anymore.