Last men standing?

Not another recap listing right? Wrong, am going to discuss in detail what happened in purgatory recent months. In order of appearances:

1) I have to discuss the Italian Stalion again because after his first exit he decided he wanted back in and came with the excuse that he did not know up front the girl was under age, by that time I was still less amused and said my goodbyes and wanted to stick by it. Drat my weak heart decided he could have a second chance because everybody deserves one right? We started texting again, he promised it was over with the young pretty face and he still was very into me. The eager dick pics were coming in again on a daily basis. Jerking off vids the works. But a reallife meeting was still not mentioned or in the pipeline. Then facebook send me a friendship suggestion (based on my phonelist contacts where i have his mobilenumber stored in memory) IT WAS HIM!!!! He lied about being Italian and his birthplace was not Italy its freaking Iraq. There is no mentioning of his partner, a blond polish woman that he lives with, a bunch of children and as a good muslim a lot of mentioning of him I shall not name, it honestly put me off again the second time. When he texted me I told him about what I saw on his facebook. He nonchalantly said yeah I am half Italion, I said sure why hide the other half of you then? And lie about it. With me I have a rule, you lie and I find out about it, you are out. You get two strikes, you are exit.

2) Right about the same time my partner tried to find me some big black cock, a BBC I will call him. Ok this one was a headcase too. Showed me two pics of his Cock, huge fucking dick 32 cm hanging in between his legs way down to his knees even. It is a monster. I got scared even thinking it will not fit, I am a tiny tiny woman. Anyway we started chatting on kik and I saw his profile pic, looked a lot like the Weekend but eh we’ll know when we video call if he’s a look a like or faking right? Wrong. When we did video call his camera was allways off. He wanted to look at me though. He told me because of his job his cameras on all devices were shut off for security reasons as his business is in high risk security. He boasted about his sexlife, always having two women there pleasuring him together. I told him straight that he did not need me and my libido and sexual experiences were not up to his level and thought ok this is the end of it, exit BBC. He kept on messaging me with promisses that he wanted to hire me as his personal assistent. I could drive in one of his 5 cars, I played along and told him I wanted this type of scooter. A phatbike city Coco. He ordered one for me. Made an appointment for breastsimplant consult with a plastic surgeon friend of his, as a joke I said throw in some Lipo for my tummy and I am game. He was a faker ofcourse, my gut told me that in all the colors of a flying rainbow, but still I would have been happy with the 32 cm dick that my pussy would get to experience. Not…exit lover, or so I thought. He was like a fish on the hook lying belly up still squirming. And he was still texting me out of the blue trying to scam me into believing his bullshit stories. By now I have had enough and asked not to contact me any further. He was not worthy my attention anymore and I wanted to leave it at that. Exit, stage right.

3) Did I mention the young fuck of last year? 22 y he is now I guess. In a weak moment I texted him again saying I still think about him sometimes and forgetting him is hard and not knowing if we would have clicked IRL is still very hard to let go. I did not expect him to answer my text but he said the feeling was mutual, that he still had feelings for me too. We started chatting again intensely and decided we should try and meet eachother again. We set a time and a date. Like the first time we did that last year, he again stood me up and did not resurface online again. Exit lover, twice. Me feeling like a donkey…

4) Young fuck number two. Also 21 years, got in via kik messenger out of the blue said hi. Our texting shortly turned into sexting, snapchat video calling him masturbating from the waste down filming it, me naked in the shower. Anyway it soon turned a bit weird. He got clingy real fast, wanted me to have him as my one and only lover, jealous even. Saying he needed to fuck me without comdom, wanting to get me pregnant and so on. Yeah, lifting up my one eyebrow. Thinking this would bring in huge drama and complications in my life and into my steady relationship I have with my partner. This is bad seed. Please exit, honestly right?

5) After these four disasters I felt like a train wreck. My partner decided to put up an add on SDC (swingers dating community) the largest dating website for swingers, mentioned it before. Who wants to come and pleasure my wife? He put in a date and time. And not tooting my own horn but there were so many reply messages from men left, right and center. Ofcourse it lifted my ego. He sifted through the initial batch and left a few in the inbox for me to go through. By now he knows my type. Also we have a few criteria we select people on. I went through their profiles, asked for a clear face picture and selected the ones I thought I could have sex with. Send them my contact details and lets the chatting commence. I hit it off with two of them and they both did not mind to come in and fuck me in a threesome together. So I envited them both to come on the speeddate add my partner put online. One showed, the other did not. Number one that showed was an amazing lover. On a sexual level we have great compatibility. He kisses nice, he has very pretty eyes and I love the way he smells. Also his pupils turn into stripes, like a lizard, when he is fucking me hard and intense. He tought me a few new positions, how to take in his cock very deep in my throat, gag and not throw up. How to make sucking motions with my pussy while he is inside, like sucking his dick but not with my mouth obviously but with the puss. His wife knows of his out the house trips into purgatory to have sex with other people, he lives a 20 min drive away, he brings and uses his own comdoms. And occasionally brings in one of his mates so I can have sex with three men. Handle three cocks at the same time inside of me. Very horny I can tell you that. He has come to see me now on a regular basis, which is awesome. Good lay, he can stay.

6) The one that did not show wanted a second chance to make it up to me. Work got in the way and he was sorry. Sure you can honey, you always get a second chance. And I am happy to say the sex was awesome. Make up sex always is. We fucked like we were newlyweds. We did every position and the stamina of this guy is even higher then number one. I thought he was a good lay, this one was an awesome lay. Will he return for seconds, not sure honestly. He made me feel special and he comfirmed that the feeling was intense and mutual, unusually intimate and like I was his girlfriend intense kind of sex. I guess I did good then.

7) And then there is the Last man standing. Mister Kismet I will call you. (Because I know he’ll be reading this.) We are at the stage that a time and date will be set, soon. I am waiting for my work schedule. If it were up to me he would have been into my pants yesterday. He makes me that horny. When I masturbate thinking of him touching my private parts I cum so hard its amazing. This man is so my type that I know this could be dangerous teritory. We are so in sync I feel he is reading my mind and talking to him is so easy. He does not really have to read my blog to understand me, we click on a different level then I have ever experienced before. For him I keep my fingers crossed and legs wide open hoping we will experience ecstasy in eachothers arms, soon, quando quando quando.

A poule mouillée

Summer break is nearly at an end and I am ready to get back in the game. This years batch of lovers, even more dissapointing then last years batch, I am putting them behind me and have started interviewing a new round of potential lovers who might hit the sweet spot. Hopefully these men can find it, unlike their predecessors.

Lowering your standards never a good thing whilst searching for a good sex partner. Never do that. Losing hope and giving up, done that been there, you fall you get up. Trusting the right people, never trust too fast, they will let you down. All the good men are taken and the ones that stray, well lets be honest, they are not truly good. Men in open relationships are debatable. I’ve said it before. You just got to hang in there. What goes on in purgatory will most defenately stay there. Single men are single for a reason and you wont like that reason when you find out he is just another wet chicken. Useless for sure so stay away from that trap. So where is the positive side in all this fucking mayhem? You got to go deeper. I have made a list and am using it as a tool in my interviewing process.

1. I do not actively go online and search for a candidate. They have to show interest in me first. The other way around always turns out to be a weak soup, not tasty at all.

2. After this first contact message I will read through his profile and look for key components that must be compattible with what I am looking for. These key components are: Must live in proximity to our town – age (range 19-69) – pictures of body (parts and such) – profile text of introduction (does he have humor) – Can I have sex with this man? If answer is yes I will reply his message.

3. This step is the first key moment in the selection procedure. How will he proceed? I give him the choice of chatting further on whatsapp (therefor giving him my number but he has to reciprocate) or KIK (this app does not have live video chat function and no need to give ones private number). Men that amediately give their mobile number are generally not very secretive and this process of hiring will be more smoothly in comparison to men that do not want to share their mobile number. If they are secretive of their mobile number, they will be secretive about other parts in their lives and a reallife date will not come to fruition.

4. Let the chatting commence. How does he come across with his words. Does he sound quite intelligent or does he make many spelling faults or typos? Do I get wet from how he chats, does the idea of meeting him turn me on? Is he funny, is he respectful. Does he have good chat etiquette? How are his chat settings in whatsapp, has he turned off certain components so you can’t see if he has read your message, how late/early he logged in or how late was he still online? Does he come online but not respond to your message that you know he has read. Is he transparent or secretive and all will be soon reveiled in this interviewing stage.

5. Exchanging of nude pictures. Does he send the dickpic right away or respectfully later in the game or not at all? How does he respond to your nudies? Is there a mutual physical attraction? Does he sends a response or keeps totally quiet by actually ghosting you after seeing your naked body – not a good sign – end of interview – exit lover. (This actually happened to me once)

6. Does he keep in touch regulary or does he dissapear often, do you wonder if he will reapear or stay away. I have had men reappear after months of no word thinking they can just pick up where they left it. Bad chat etiquette means zero chance of a real hookup – exit lover.

7. Exchange of real first names. I have a pseudonym ofcourse. During introduction I do give my real name. Willingness to reciprocate is key. Or does he stay mysterious or even lies about it and you later find out that he lied. What’s that all about? You can exchange first name only, there is no risk of whatever in that, right? – exit please.

8. After introduction, exchange of the nudies, exchanging of real names, mutual sexual attraction also check, general exchange of small chit chat things, what does he do for a living, does he have a family, wife, children? Is he more a dog person or is he allergic to pets? What is his favourite food? What does he likes to do. Are you sexually compatible on paper? In real life you still have to find out. So and this is also a key moment, does he wants to set a date for a reallife meeting. Is he willing to actually come and fuck you? Or will this turn sour as part of the mindfuck game most of these online predators play so well?

9. So how far he has to drive to come and fuck you is also key. If he has longer then 60 minutes drivingtime, no wet puss is worth that unfortunately. You can be soooo horny and the distance still is a dousing factor to any horny guy. Now we live very central and some can combine it with work travel, still its tricky to rely on such an occasion and in my experience the further away the candidate lives from you, how unlikely it gets this will really turn out to be a good one. So exit lover, again.

10. Relational status. Is he married in an open relationship and do they swing together or also seperately. Does he have an unsuspecting wife? Is their sex live unfulfilling? Are his needs not being fulfilled and is the unsuspecting wife rigid to requests to be intimate or incapable. Or some men just are not a one woman man, like me in reverse. I like my men multiple. To me it does not matter what his status is, only that he does not lie about it. Lies always come out, in the end. Such a dissapointment then and resulting in – exit lover.

11. What does he do for a living? Is handy to know, not a key component in this hiring process but indirectly some jobs can come in the way in the hiringproces for sure. Men that are too busy with their work basically do not really have time for you. Hence no date is forthcoming. Either they use being too busy as an excuse or he is truly a secret agent James Bond figure – no time for hooking up ends in exit. Bye bye.

12. Catfishing SOBs give murky waters and muddle up this hiring proces. When you have a Catfish on the hook, you bleed. They do not. You bleed time, effort, tears, worst case scenario money. When you suspect he might be catfishing you, you are too late and might be emotionally pulled in. So to protect yourself from these wraiths in purgatory you have tools to sieve them out of the pool. Receiving pictures does not mean they are really of him. Trust your gut. When it smells fishy, it usually is. Always ask for videochat before you start picturing yourself naked in his arms. Is he truly for real is up to you to verify. If you can do an internetsearch, by all means try to get the real picture or move on, next please.

13. Birds and the bees, will he use comdoms please. Some get their kicks out of breeding chicks, some can’t perform with rubber it makes them turn into jelly not in a good way. I get an allergic reaction to some rubber or plastic, if its rubbed too long or the wrong way inside my vagina. But in purgatory you got to suit up, its the only way. Multiple men means I got to keep healthy and safe, best wear protection. But how they react beforehand when you pose the question you’ll know what type of person he might be, so its an interesting key in this process, so do ask it and see how it will pan out.

14. So multiple checks on the list, sofar looking good on paper. Smooth transition from cyber into reallife also check. The time and place has been scheduled. The candidate is ready to go to the next phase in hiring. The meeting. As in meeting of the flesh. Also very important. Does he keep the date fixed or does he has to reschedule, a lot? When does he cancel, on the day intself or is he courteous about it and gives you at least a few days headsup? Or does he chooses to ignore your messages and not even show up at the expected time and place. I have seen it all, been there it was all done to me. Yes I have been stood up, next please.

15. The ones that show up, some send a text when they are on their way, are in the front of the house at the door even. The brave ones that made it sofar, proud to say they did because they are 2 out of 10 that have made it to this point in the hiring selection procedure. Most candidates do not look like the pictures they have send. Some turn out positively better and some have been not so positive if I am being honest. Talking about being honest? What’s up with the cock ilusion recently? Is there a way to make your cock look bigger in pictures? And discussing ones size is that even an issue really? For some men its key component number one, it seems. Key for me is that its clean, does not smell of piss, is hard and can keep hard during sex for a pleasurable amount of time. I do not need a porn performance, go on for hours and hours type of cock. Not too big or too small. I have had micro penis before, twice, and they were clueless that I could not feel a damn thing in my pussy. Still waiting on mister baby elephantman to go through to the next level in hiring.

16. Premature ejaculation is a double edged blade. Sure you can be flattered that he finds you so attractive he had to come amediately. Still its a bummer. What does the candidate do with the time given after the load was spilled too soon. Does he go down on you? Will he make an effort or deny that its happened and can’t go again but tries to keep appearances that he can? It all comes down to is he a good lover or not?

Men always get a second chance to redeem themselves with me and some even get a third or more, depends how much in love I am with him. Some are forgotten, given up on or got lost in the initial phases of the hiring process. Some make it to the end and some I will never forget. They came so close before the exit sign glow in the dark. Purgatory is a harsh place with tricky planes. Which light will shine for you? Will it be mine or the green of the exit…or will this be the start of a beautiful friendship kid?

A few good men

If you can’t handle my truth about men and their sex you should not read on.

Life in purgatory has been slow. After going to a second houseparty with too much drugabuse we decided that’s not our scene. A few weeks back we were envited on a date with just one couple at their place and it was interesting to meet a likeminded couple who we had a fun evening with but on a sexual level, not quite so hot as I hoped it would be. Although his wife was very hot she was not bi, so I did not touch her. It all felt a bit off, not quite there, just another vague memory in purgatory. When will I find my way out to paradise?

Lets talk about the potentials. And to best display my feelings towards these men I have a link to spotify (for those who have it) to best illustrate the mood they get me in.

So last years potential, I wanted a younger lover (21 y) and boy did he find me. He did a good number screwing my mind rather then my pussy. He is out of the picture, or is he? This years young candidate found my picture and contact in kik (given to him as a suggestion to connect and he liked my avi -said hi) we started chatting out of the blue and soon it turned into sexchatting. He wanted me to download snapchat (fun app if you are like 20+ younger then me but I gave it a try – still don’t know how to use it. Saw that my cousins are on it so might need a quick tutorial). Anyway, the way that he is avoiding to videochat and the way he chats, certain emoji he uses, the sudden dissapearance reminds me of the mindfucker of last year. Will this one end up the same way? I certainly have learned my lesson and will not be stood up on an actual date again. No sir. I want to have a real facetime chat first for we go to the next level of scheduling an meeting in real life. That’s more so I can rule out I am not actually chatting with M. who broke my heart last year and left me skittish as hell. ( – Kiss me more by Doja cat

Around the time I was dabating leaving purgatory for what it is and these few good men were nowhere to be found I got a message from a man, from the UK. That got me interested because I have a soft spot for UK men. Also an Irish man contacted me but like most men he evaporated into thin air before any hook up was even discussed. The Scottsman stayed. He send me nice horny pictures of his dick and our friendship started from there. Real life complications prevents us from moving our online contact into a more real life scenario as in that his wife would not approve so only online pleasure is all there is between us. And ofcourse friendship is nice, I can bitch about these few good men to him. ( – Need to know by Doja cat

And then there was the Italian Stalion. all in his broken dutch heavy on the accent included. Quick with sending the dick pic, initial thought not a very large specimen, but thats ok. I like a latin lover, they are very attentive and do not play the-lofty- I-am-not-interested-in-you-game the dutch men often do. Anyway, small cock aside, he was truly very horny. Amediately wanted to video sexchat, touching his cock while we were talking and he did not hide his phonenumber. Think he even used his real name and most of them don’t. Honest about his attentions, in an open relationship. Nice horny bi girlfriend, no children or jealous wife in the picture. Only he lives a two hour drive away, bust. Drat, drat and damn, why?????? He even was goodlooking. And then came the redflags. Red flag number 1 sending me pictures of another cock (much larger) and pretending it was his own ( by now I have seen his dick many times so can surely reckognise it in a line up). Red flag number 2 sending me a picture of a beautiful young girl, boasting he fucked her and she is 17. Saying he fucked her three times. I draw the line with sex with under age people so it was a huge turn off. Told him good luck with that and bye y’all. He did not take the hint so I had to explain it again. He still wants to go ahead with the horny talk but I have lost the magic. ( – Dick by Starboi3 and Doja cat

A while back my partner thought it might be fun to get me some big black cock. The search for the right one commenced and is harder then you might guess honestly. If your cock has a substantial size, similar in size of a baby elephants trunk, that does not automatically mean your personality is suitable too. And oh boy, do men enhance themselves in a more advantagious angle on camera. In real life I have had two dates now with a potential BBC that truly wasn’t all that was advertised, bust. Then enters mister Big Cock Sugar Daddy. With a huge, 32 cm dick and gorgeous drool worthy body. If this turns out to be truly real, on multiple levels, then momma will be soooooo ecstatically, no hysterically, screaming on top of my head happy. But am a bit scared too, but he says he will be gentle. Sure the redflags are surfacing as we speak and not to jinks anything I will not discuss any future plans, but mommy wants that big dick and hopefully she will get some soon. ( – Say so by Doja cat

And I leave you with this last link from purgatory where its vague, lonely and confusing. Lusting after a few good men leaving me frustrated and unsatisfied craving for mister Sugar daddy to come thru – 34 35 by Ariana ft. Doja cat

The empress strikes back

My body is on attack by unknown entities that run havoc on my inner system. The empress in me is not happy and is lashing out. Most days it is a struggle to get out of bed. We are finally getting therapy and I am willing to work on it.

Another party in purgatory has come and gone. Lying in bed now two days after, a nice lazy sunday. These were almost the same group of people that came together to lick, fuck and frolic. Two new couples and a single man were added into the mix and two couples from last time were not there. A very different experience from last time, but same place and same people who hosted the party. For me and my partner it is the second party.

I do feel a very warm fondness for these people but I also see some of their struggles. Again it is difficult for me to become apart of a group of people and feel like I am truly there. Usually I am in my own world, it’s warm and comfy there, it is lonely too, but I know what to expect. There I am ruler of the universe, empress of the mere mortals that fuck around me doing their thing and I have a birdseye view of it all. Have fun little children, yes fuck yourselves and enjoy what I am offering you. I like to give pleasure but stay on top and in control. I decide and it feels heady.

That is part of the reason I don’t do the drugs on offer on these parties. I hate losing control and am scared I wont like the person I would become if I tried the stuff. I have seen it in my mother how it totally destroyed her family life, it totally destroid me as a child. Knowing her high, her own pleasure, the feeling the drugs gave her was more important then loving me. It became so important to her she forgot taking care of me.

There is much drug use on these parties I have noticed. A part of me is wondering why that is. For me sex is a drug, I don’t need another to get me there if you know what I mean. I like the feeling of getting horny and hot and wet. I can get there by watching porn, seeing a guy stroking himself, seeing other people fuck. Hell I even find it a turn on to see my man giving pleasure to other women, I noticed. I masturbated while watching him give a women a climax with his hand. This time there was less fucking and more talking, which is totally fine too. We are relaxed, openminded people and most things are allowed but nothing is a must. I do need to tick all the boxes, the experience is also about getting to know oneself and just to have fun. I don’t mind seeing people use drugs, they can do whatever they want. But seeing my man use it, that is a bridge I fear crossing. I will not lose another loved one to that stuff. The empress says hell no to that. Luckily I have faith in him he won’t betray me like that.

People outside the swingers world often wonder why we (those kind of people that share their bodies) are not afraid of losing their partners to other people. Yes honestly it happens. The rate of seperation or divorse is exactly the same as in the “normal” world. Not more or less. We are all human. We are all at risk all the time. Some are not as strong as other relationships. Some stay together while others are tempted to go elsewhere. You can’t help yourself to compare people, only we know how someone now feels and compare on a sexual level. And if that person looks much nicer or gives me more pleasure in bed, is that reason enough to leave my partner? Fuck no! I can get nice, I have exellence. No one can beat the level of how he treats me. How he knows me. How he takes care of me. Not even Chris Evans would give me real temptation to seperate me from my other half. My man is top dog, he is my emperor and I do not want anyone else. I like to enjoy the masses but not let them into my inner sanctum. I like to give my body to be pleasured and give pleasure but that is all there is. I am not a potential partner, looking elsewhere if the grass is greener. I am still in control and I rule. I am his and he is mine.

To come back to why the empress is not so happy. Did she not get enough cock? Or were the cocks a bit dissapointing again, dearest ruler? To be honest, yes they might have been less then satisfactory. Did you not get adored enough? Do you need to be the center of all attention, is it that? I answer in complete truth, no it is not about that. I don’t want to be the center of all attention, not so shallow as that, am I? I like to be fucked more, and if I have that intimate moment with someone I like to be something special to be experienced. Now I felt it was more about the druguse and getting into a certain vibe for these people then it was about truly fucking. Some had trouble getting into that vibe so they took more. It gave me the oposite feeling of being special, the drugs enhanced their feelings and that feeling was more important then the feeling I could give them. So in hindsight I was indeed not in the center of attention, and though that might bug me a bit, I will not sulk long about it. It was a fun party and what happens in purgatory, stays in purgatory.

Now I am back in the real world, a little trip to purgatory and released some tension, back to cleaning house. Inside needs to be scrubbed and polished to be squeeky clean. The empress puts me to work so must get out of bed, again. Drat.

Swing till (after) you drop

After the drop to the ground, face down smacked hard into cold reality of being let down for the umpteenth time I got back into the sadle again. Nope, not giving up, unwards goes the search. The search for fun, relaxed and openminded people.

Then we found a group of people, a few couples, enjoying their freedom in sex with eachother at the phenomenon called houseparties. Orgie is another word for it. Or sucking and frolicking penisses left, right and center with multiple tongs to one cock. Mighty heady stuff.

I found them friendly and warm and most importantly very horny. It felt like being free and loved at the same time and I fell into big open arms of this huge God of a man with such a welcoming personality, another man I can relate to on a professional level because we have similar jobs and who took me by the arm and guided me into total extasy and then a gorgeous looking circumsized cock, my first, but I did not know how such a cock would feel inside, but man did it feel different. Awesome different. The ridges are more pronounced, the top was soft as velvet but hard as well and I can tell you I enjoyed him intensely. This was pure hardcore porn but everybody was most polite through it all. Oh and I kissed the girls and liked it.

It was very exciting to be dropped into a group of people who know eachother inside and out. Who meet like once a month to enjoy their freedom. In a time we all feel so restricted and locked up. Did we feel anxious because of Covid, hell no. Finally a place I could enter without that nasty mouth mask. Another restriction gone.

So we were the newbies and going in, you never know how the dynamic between people will evolve. We haven’t been to a houseparty together before, this was our first time. Luckily not last because we matched good in the group and got envited to attend again in the near future. Did that help my crushed ego, for sure. My man enjoyed other pussy as well for the first time and I could handle sharing him easily. The relationship I am in is strong and now more then ever I feel like he is my best friend in the world. We can enjoy sex with others and still be totally okay together. I felt strangely a bit proud that the other women liked him and enjoyed his cock too.

Eventho this experience was very horny and we would like to attend more of these parties, this was another ballgame in the arena of purgatory. Maybe the eye of the storm that is my life. I would still like to find a housefriend. A steady lover that can meet regularly and who I click with sexually and who I can fall in love with and most importantly who is in love with me but does not want to claim me for himself alone, who likes the threeway dynamic. To do fun stuff with, laugh, eat wonderful food and to have loads of horny sex, everywhere and multiple times. Not just one time only. Getting that has proven to be almost impossible. Am I giving up? Nope.

Lets talk numbers. If one in ten of the SDC contacts, that do show up, is an enjoyable fuck we have a succes rate of 10 procent. If I stop searching and chatting with potential lovers, due to dissapointments, I will not find that one lover. I would not have experienced all that good sex at that party last time. I must believe that there is more fun to be had out there, right?

It is not all about the numbers, I know that. You can’t click with everybody on a sexual level. Every encounter has differences as well as similarities. I recently met up with a potential lover who I had to turn down. In real life I felt no sexual attraction. Also for the first time I had to reject someone else face to face. I had to say that there was no sexual feelings whatsoever and eventho I dreaded it, I felt relieved I did it. In the past you could pour me some wine and fucking with a person who dries up my pussy in an instant was suddenly not such a task. I know within 2 seconds, honestly If I can fuck the guy, of seeing him. No more saying yes because I feel the need to please everybody. I need to please myself.

So work in progress, note to self. Keep going and stay calm or however the sayings go and yada yada lets just rock on.

I die a little, too much

Normally I start with a title and work through my feelings of the experiences with a certain lover. The encounters I have with those particular lovers accumulate into one big nasty experience and as they turn out the same way, into dissapointing situations, I blame myself. The failure is all mine. Granted, that some also add to the negative experiences as well with a certain ineptness on their part. I can now conclude that its me, that is the problem. I am the common factor in this equasion. The voice inside that is telling me I am not worth it, I am no good to stay around, am too much work, is confirmed. The part that I do have a wonderful partner that finds me awesome keeps me alive and going on. What would I do if I did not have him? I would have died two nights ago. The title is about me. I am the bad egg this time, all the time.

The men that go through my drive through are interested in me for just a quick lay, to forget the badness that is their life and just want to deposit their seed, and not necesarily inside me. And then get the hell back on the highway. They say they want to feel a connection and not something short and meaningless. But when it is offered, it scares them too and after those feelings surface they choose the highway and leave me be. Its ok by now, I understand, I am used to it. It is easy for me to let go now, I have had too many that promissed more but were not able to give me what I need. And that, I can’t blame them for, so I wont. I let them go. And everytime this hurts, I do live on. But when will it not, if I do not adress my feelings and what I need.

My partner is absolutely the best, but the hole inside me is so enormous, it can’t be filled by him alone. It is not possible and it is not because of his shortcomings or that he is lacking anything. he can’t fix my pain, nothing can. You try with the usual stuff. Food, drugs, work, sex or love for others. Lets try with love for myself, that is not going to happen because that part of me is broken. I am searching for others to love me because I am wired wrong and can’t give it to myself. I get sad and dissapointed when I find out that others can’t as well. But by now I do expect it and I let them go.

Everytime I die a little inside, and the one who walked away recently, did not want to hurt me. I commend his attitude for it but he found me in shambles to begin with. The young lover before him completely shattered what was left of my tiny heart that was holding on to survive. It is dead now. The last of it is gone. I do not want to receive anybody inside me, I am closed for business. I am not moving on anymore and not trying to find the one who will help fix my heart. It can not be fixed. I am giving up. I must take a breath when I remember, but now it has seeped into other parts of my body and it is breaking down. I forget to breath truly and physically because I don’t want to anymore, my body went into shock two nights ago and I almost died. I can understand this is too much for anyone to handle, let alone mister new lover who I was chatting with. He got back on the highway, is to be expected. And I do not find it surprising. Who would want to fuck with a wreck like me. Too complicated, too intense, too much of everything and it will kill you. So get out while you can, right? This is my thought, do I need to get out as well and leave it all behind? I am waiting still for a therapist, on the waitinglist, I am waiting for help and scared of dying, but every thought and feeling that comes from that is pushing me that way. I do not want my son to get hurt as I got hurt and broken by what my mother did, also unintentionally, but hurt me, she did. So many times in such a cruel way. Nobody wants to hear this, nobody understands it and even when I share this world with so many people, I feel alone. Sometimes I think I get a glimpse of someone that wants to get to know the real me, he gets scared. And chooses the highway, leaving me behind.

Alone again, naturally

Mister BFE

There is this dutch saying “on every pot its own lid fits” roughly translated. But the meaning is that with every type of person there is the right person for them out there, or you allready have that person in your life and sometimes it is said as a mocking comment if you have a peculiar person, who might be seemingly not quite that attractive but who still found a significant other that fits them, because every pot has its own lid. Actually not a very nice saying if you look at it that way. But in my situation it rings true. I did find a good fit and I finally had that great fuck I was craving for. Honestly BFE, BEST FUCK EVER, yes all capitals and it was so unexpected. With all the “slappe tosti’s” lately I was losing hope. Roughly translated a slappe tosti is a soggy grilled cheese sandwich. Not yummy at all. What I mean by that is most lovers that passed the stage are like wet newspaper. The difference is that this lover kept his penis hard as a rock. Slightly hard, is not hard and honestly to me a slightly hard penis or soft penis I hardly get aroused by, down there. The puss wants to be filled with hard horny cock, no sloppiness now, right?

Oh boy and did I get fucked the right way. I am still buzzing down under and have butterflies in my belly. I keep thinking about the way that he kissed me. All positions go over and over in my mind and I get dripping wet when I think about what we did. He is the first lover other then my husband that has given me so many orgasms in one session. Some came close, but not like this. The orgasms were so intense I even squirted, that does not happen and especially not even on a first date, ever. It took my husband years really to get to the level we are now anyways, so this is unusual.

Part of me does not want to jinks this by writing about him. But I need to put this down because it is an unusual experience and I need to analyze it. There is always the risk this awesome date will be an one time fling only. And I choose to savour this one in a special chamber of memories in my palace. The princess in me has found her prince charming. He is what I asked for, no begged for, in previous posts. The universe has send me exactly what I asked for. Level of Chris Evans handsomeness – check. Sweet, patient, honest – check. Exellent dick – check. Willingness, eager even, to share me with my husband. Is married himself and is in an open relationship and has permission to fuck with me – yeah me – check. And next to being an amazing lover, he has a nice personality, is attentive on the chat but in real life as well. He has these sweet manners while we were fucking, it honestly felt more like making love, but my mind must not go there. The sex is different from the males perspective and its just a horny fuck for them nothing more and nothing less. And I am down for that, but this was defenately not just a cold unfeeling hard core porn fest. This was in a league of its own. This was excellence. I had this huge smile plastered on my face afterwards, and when I think of it I am still smiling.

I did not think it was possible to feel this smitten and still feel totally content in my relationship with my partner. My feelings for him has not changed or did not diminish. But I want to fuck with mister BFE again and again honestly, I even texted him the next day if it was too soon to schedule another date 🤣 that has not happened before. I can’t get enough of kissing him, having his cock in my mouth, sucking him long and moist for hours, I want him to cum in my mouth again. I swallowed every bit of his seed and I want more. I want him inside me again and oh the look in his eyes told me he was so very turned on as well, so horny. Unusually horny and mutual these feelings were and therefor are so rare.

I was beginning to lose faith in the male population on SDC if I am honest. Thinking about to throw in the towel because of so many dissapointing experiences before that I hardly think it could be done right. Yes I was wrong, I found someone interesting who is mutually attracted in me. If the lid fits, put him on and enjoy the ride for as long as you can. He is not mine to keep but I’ll enjoy him anyway. Please Universe let me keep this one a bit longer too? Pretty please…


I recently received a notification that my blog suddenly was generating lots of traffic. As I treat this blog as a personal diary to ventilate my frustrations I had to swallow some anxiety. Oh boy somebody read all my posts and did not leave a comment. It forced me to read back some recent posts, what did I write again? A bit ambarresing to see I do not make any progress in finding that alusive lover, or even in my personal growth. Stuck in a loop, making the same mistakes over and over. Honestly this is purgatory so why am I surprised really? What I did learn from all of this swingers mayhem is that you should not take it all so seriously, or take oneself too serious. In hindsight the situations I have put myself in are hilarious really. Who falls in love with a 23 year college student, who was not single, did not want to give me his phonenumber, stood me up for our first date, treated me with no respect basically. And this might be the red thread of my life, the lesson that needs learning is, I am worthy to be loved. And anyone who is not equiped to give that to me will automatically dissapear from my life? Difficult to understand if you also have abandonement issues. But I do get better with dealing with dissapointments. In this swingers dating existence you have to create a thicker skin, get used to be let down often. Finding a nice person is like digging in the ground to find treasure. Its out there, most have been found by other hunters, but there is still some out there, right?

Yes I was defeated and you won the war. After I decided to let you go for good, that does not mean I totally forgot everything about you. You broke my heart, I fell in love for real and I know how stupid that was. I don’t think about you daily anymore. But my mind wanders sometimes and I wonder if you still think about me. The heart wants what it wants. And I found out that my heart just craves for this person that doesn’t exist. With every new chatcontact somehow I transfer these feelings I had for you and the ones before you, onto them. Am I in love with one and the same? Is it this composite man I have build into my mind as being the one? But is actually composed of all the previous lovers I encountered? I have asked myself this question before and the answer is no. Now I can say after a whole year of experiences, all the lovers are different. Also how I respond to them and they to me. I can compare now and can honestly conclude there is no composite lover. They have similarities, that is the confusing part, and I am no where near to understand the male species. But this I know now, yes, mf *jerks you are, but not the same.

It is a neverending war inside me. Struggling to understand what drives these men, what they truly think and feel. Finding their human side and connect to them in some way. They say men are simple creatures, they think linear and logically with fewer emotions then women. But offer them free, uncomplicated pussy, some say no to that?? My logical linear mind can not figure that one out. If I get another reader (preferably male), next time could you please leave a comment with your thoughts about this conundrum of mine? I would be eternally greatful. And it might bring some much needed answers to my neverending questions.

What’s not to love

A year of swinging existence has passed me by and what a year it has been. Covid has made quite a mark on the dating scene in purgatory. There are two camps. One that still go on the occasional date but do not go to big events or parties, not because it is unsafe but because there aren’t any. The clubs and saunas are closed and there is much social control and bad press about people not keeping the distance. And there is the other camp that rigidly stopped their social activities and spew their discontent about others who still date. Where do we fit in?

A returning question in my life, where do I fit in. I used to make a stand and make up my own camp, sometimes lonely but it is what it is. I recently was asked the question what I am looking for on the swingersdatingsite SDC by a new potential lover. I replied that I am looking for good dick. After a years experience that is basically what I want more of. Please stop talking, strategizing, analyzing, flirting, teasing. Lets move to the part where I get a good lay and be done with the hesitation, the flaking, the lies and empty promisses.

How hard I try to find a second lover that will fullfill my bottomless cravings, it is an uphill battle that I find too hard time and again and its frustrating. Not every contact feels the same though.

I finally had a very positive experience, not all are loosers or fakers. You just have to keep searching. I want an attentive lover, talkative on the chat, basic manners and most of all I want him to be really into me. The attentionspan is shorter then a goldfish of the males I encounter mostly. And don’t get me started about what happens after the date. Is the novelty the only attraction factor or is it me? What is the reason why they fuck me and then leave me? But really leave me, leave me. During the chatsession it can get really intense sometimes, it varies, but so intense that it leaves me wondering why it goes wrong. I have the take off under control, finding a nice lover is not the problem. Getting them in my pants and getting a repeat offender is almost impossible. This was not as complicated back in the day, right?

I just have to accept that this is the way of the world and let bygones be bygones. Talking about the bygones. Here is another list of them bygones:

Young lover (23) during the summer we got busy chatting and finding a good time to meet up. Very secretive in the beginning, not sharing mobile numbers. Just kik msg and any coaxing from me into getting more info on him was fruitless. The whole endeavor was fruitless, I fell in love for real and he said it was mutual and then he dissapeared. We did this dance three times and then I pulled the plug. He even stood me up once, so we never had a chance. And until this day it still breaks my heart and oh how I wanted to have done everything with him.

5 minute exit lover, took the speeddate ad We placed on SDC very literally. To stay in theme I will keep this brief as well. Not a memorable bygone, but the gone part he executed quite well.

Far away lover 1, he had to drive for over two hours. We chatted intense for two weeks. But when we exchanged pictures I already suspected he physically was not my type. I wanted to meet anyway because I know that someones personality weighs more then his looks. That aside I still aim to select a good dick so I gave it a chance. Wrong, so wrong. There was no mutual attraction he came prematurely and failed to perform. After he left he did not texted me back thanking me for my time, no more words, nothing. I texted him anyway thanking him for his visit but that I thought that there were no sparks. He then said that feeling was mutual but asked me if I wanted to hook up again. I said no, and that’s that.

Very far away lover 2, after all the messes I thought, lets try something else. A potential lover in another country might not dissapoint so easily because showing up for a date, performing badly, is not easily done because he is not here to fuck it up. But the good man was also planning to find his future wife and thought our contact was getting too intense and in the way of us moving further. We had planned to meet up when he would be in this country to visit family during the holidays. But then he suddenly decided to tell me he decided to not visit me because it would not be fair to any potential future wife candidates if he fucked me. I asked him to not contact me further and I chucked him on the bygones list. To be honest, after him I did consider taking a break from it all. But getting back on that horse is important so decided not to give in.

Ex lover (from 14 years ago), keeps in touch from time to time. Is very horny and says he wants me really bad. We had a brief, very hot affair many years a go. He is a bit older and I call him daddy. He gets off on it somehow, but meeting up has been put off indefenately because he recently was in a hard breakup with his girlfriend. She moved away going back to her home country and he still wants to meet up with me but I am not sure it will happen to be honest. His work takes preference to getting whoopy.

A comfortable lover, who I have been chatting with for over a year finally paid me a visit. Also did my period the evening before, alas. But he visited anyway and we had a bit of old fashioned frisking and kissing. It felt comfortable and I was not selfconscious or insecure. He wants to visit again so all in all it was positive.

Caramel lover, my first experience with a darker skinned man. Ofcourse you expect the stereotypical “once you go black”…I was truly well satisfied and I will category him into the “good dick” category. His credentials were good, he delivered excellence, he is not too busy to keep in touch and I think we will meet up again. Oh and can I say, he is one of few who has manners and is truly honest and is respectful. What more can a girl ask for.

Lover of few words, contacted me as part of a duo. Two friends who on occasion date together and offer their services to women on SDC. They both have a wife and children and are discreetly approaching their prey. After my experiences I offer discretion and give potential lovers my mobile number, kik or email and leave it to them how they want to contact me for further introduction. This one e-mailed me. We exchanged one foto, made a date, and the day before d-day we went into second lockdown. One male backed down and one decided to still come (hmm dejavu anyone?). I barely just knew his name and saw his face on one picture. That was all. Not his name, not where he is from, not his occupation and not if he had good dick. During the fuck session and after I did find all of that out but he was quite nervous about it all and I think this was an one time thing only. So bygones.

Drop dead gorgeous lover, the attraction was instant and extremely intense. Oh boy I truly want him but he is not willing to share me and wants to fuck 1 on 1. Also his work takes up most of his time and we decided to park our attraction and wait for better times to come. All good things come to those who wait. And wait I shall because talking about “good” dick, his will fall in the category amazing dick (have to refrain from spelling that in all capitals). Am hoping this one will not be a permanent bygone, but who knows for sure.

I am not giving up, this year sucked all hope and enthousiasm for fun out of us all. I wish for all of us that 2021 will bring more “excellent” dick, a lover who sticks around rather then flees the first chance she/he gets. Happy New Year folks 💋

Another one bites the dust

There is this new program on TLC about swinging ladies in the US. Partly I am curious to see and hear about other peoples experiences in these treaturous waters, but part of me is also scared to watch and see that others have a marvelous time of it and do not face these challenges and dissapointments I have had to stomach through. I could start a whole new list of men that have flaked around, toyed with my heart or flat out lied to me (oh don’t forget to mention the time you were even STOOD UP by a guy) Am still no further in my search for that elusive guy. Maybe I should write about specifically what I am looking for and ask the universe to fullfill my wish. Does it work that way? Well I have tried everything else. So might as well…

So here it is, hope you are reading this and thinking out loud, hey this is me she is writing about, yes well please drop me a line. Here is an honest, fragile, intelligent, romantic, sensual woman who loves to fuck, make love, fall in love, is adventurous, open and is offering sex without strings or commitment. Basically wants to be your dreamgirl without the hangups of clinging too much, unrealistic expectations, manipulations or entrapment into unwanted relations. I am a free spirit who wants to enjoy the male body, plural, in many ways and as much as possible. So this is me, where is he?

Why settle for one great guy if you can have two, and why stop there? Ok so Universe…some say God, I have been brought up believing in God, but after being with an athiest for over a decade now, I believe not in the God that is decribed in the bible, the man in heaven with the white beard and the one that knows all and sees all and the one that judges all, no I believe that the forces of the Universe are so much bigger, so much larger and unknown to us that our small limited brains can not begin to understand it. So we came up with a white bearded man and his son that died for our sins. Or all the other 900 God versions that people came up with long before I was born and will all still be there long before I turn into dust. The Universe is there. And my heart wants what it wants. Where are you my dreamlover?

As I talked about my partner before, the answer to my question and quest should be him right? Partly true, because if I could get another one like him, oh boy that would be marvelous. I allready questioned myself why he is not enough for me? Currently I love him, but I am not in love with him. Love is eternal they say and infatuation or being in love fades over time. Sometimes you can be in love and then it grows into something more. But the butterflies and exitement go away after a while. He is handsome, honest, positive, strong, great lover, the sex is awesome and he is the father of my son. The greatest gift I ever received is my son. I wanted to be a mother for so long. He made that possible and I’ll always love him for that. But what am I looking for, craving for really?

A man between the age of 23 – 65, preferably living in the Netherlands within 30-45 min drive away from our house. If not living in my country, then must be willing to travel at least once to meet and is willing to chat or keep contact through phone/internet. Daily contact is not necessary, I have a family and other responsibilities as well. But if you do not give me any attentions at all, then this contact will dissolve quicker then you can say take off your panties. I do not like to be ignored. You do not need to treat me as you would a wive or a girlfriend. No I am a (potential) lover who you are allowed to fuck, sexchat with or booty call. Nothing more. So no I do not expect daily attentions from you, just once in a while is nice. And if you do feel the need to have a few chats more often, thats fine too. I just want someone to feel something for me, to be interested in me and truly wants to know who I am, it is nice to be heared by others. I want him to be attracted to me and my body, who gets horny just by thinking of me or hearing my voice or by looking at my pictures. Now I have a few lovers that get horny ofcourse, but that alone is not enough. I need to get horny about him too. I need to be attracted too. I used to have a type, I prefered blond haired men. Now I can say my type is obviously Chris Evans, but no one is as handsome as he. But eh this is my dreamrequest to the Universe. I can ask for anything…the skies are not the limit here, there is no ending. So level of Chris Evans handsomeness it is. That is the outside done, inside I want him to be patient, positive outlook in life. Honest. Straightforward, I don’t like playing games or beating around the bush. You either want to fuck me or not, any other behaviour turns into fucking around and messing with my head. I rather have another body part fucked, mind you. Where was I? Ah yes Chris….lets call him that for now. This faceless, nameless, elusive lover I am describing for the Universe to send to me. Mucho skills in bed, skills outside as well. A romantic at heart, believes in fate, calls it destiny that we met. Wants to explore my body, mind and soul. Wants to share me with my other half, is not threathened by it and enjoys the dynamic of a threeway sex relationship. Is honest about his other love/sex interest. If there is a mrs. Chris that is kept in the dark, is lied to by him. What does it say about his true character really? And keeping regular (phone) contact is allso quite difficult. So if he is in a relationship it must be an open one like mine, that is prefered anyway.

Am I asking for too much, I think? Universe is this an unfeasable task? Is there someone like this out there? Or will the next one again be…