When laughter is all you have

Months have gone by, summer is over and done with and the cold is seeping into my bones. Its time to pick up from where I left things last blog entry.

My partner thought I was getting a litlle bit too grumpy and said we need to please the empress by searching for new lovers to service my needs. And truly for a while now i have had some fun dates and here is a fun recap of all the contenders and summary of what fun we have been up to. Ready?

Do not know when exactly but the first BBC from last year who I thought I send straight to the exit sign, refuses to leave. Keeps sending me texts in Skype and I explained several times why he needs to forget about me. Turns out he is no BBC (big black cock) at all and has lied about something so profound like this, he is just a Dutch white dude and I suspect everything else he told me is a lie too. Finally he admitted it when I told him I was tired of the only one way videochat calls, and he needed to go away. In a last attempt he confessed about his color and wanted to videocall. The man looked like someone thats commited in a psych ward, or maybe mentally challenged. Here’s where I need to explain my fettish. I tend to have a soft spot for broken things, a challenge to get something thats really hard of out of reach, men that treat me badly, I want to find out why they behave this way and want to see deep inside their minds to figure out what motivates them to be these uncouth liars and cheaters. So I picked up this chatcontact again and tried to move it away from purgatory and into the light. I was wrong to try, it fell apart on more of his lies and my interest has taken the exit sign before him. Hopefully he is gone for good this time.

After a speeddate add by my partner a few nice men have contacted me and actually some have showed up. In order of (no)appearance are:

1. Boy wonder. 22 years of age, very experienced and performance was excellent. The dismount not flawless and I had to send him text to thank him for showing up and say I had a nice time, he texted back he had a nice time too and then exit, no more new words, one timer.

2. The Hef. Not because he lives in a mansion with horny blond hot babes and wears a housecoat all the time. Apparently its his nickname, not for obvious reasons. Great lover, we met twice, he can stay. Part of him wants to but the job is demanding and he’s too busy to hook up but luckily not too busy to stay in contact through whatsapp messaging.

3. Tallman. Huge huge man with good skills and attentiveness online. Looked good on paper, our first date had to be cancelled due to covid (he tested positive – drat) Does not live too far away so he swings by quite unexpectedly but the sex was very very enjoyable. Only life gets in the way and our second date had to be canceled as well and I foresee that him and his lovely cock will not come near my puss anytime soon. Exit lover number 3.

4. Otis. Somehow I suspect this is also his nickname but maybe it could be real. Contact started swift, intense, neglected all my hiring procedures when he showed me pictures of his body. Oh my and what a body. The date was a whirlwind of passion, the pictures turned out to be real only the circumstances not so much. Not single, younger then advertised. Says he is 26 I suspect more 22-23 years of age, but he did deliver and my door is still open to him. Holy Horny fuck.

5. The massage guy. Turned out to be living longer then 1 hour away so eventho we started out good and very horny, he did not even enter the road to take a drive to me, he did not even had to take the exit, he never got on and I never got off, so thats that. No massage for me.

6. The suit. I call him that not only to be discrete because I know his name. But here’s what I suspect because no true date has commenced so far. One date has been cancelled and he was nice enough to tell me ahead of time that he could not come because he had to take care of his daughter. Very ligitimate reason and sofar so not too bad. Only the chatting stopped, no rescheduling came forth and no answers to my texts. I have no need to beg and this scenario we are in is getting really old and so this one I am pushing into retirement myself. His work takes first place, then his family ofcourse, friends also and then there is no more room for me. No date will ever happen with this suiter I predict. Too bad because I was truly looking forward in to getting him into my bed.

7. Mister Northern exposure. I do not know why I thought this guy would be a good idea. Lives all the way up north and I have to explain he is from where I have spend my childhood and single young life, the city is called Groningen and I have bitter feelings thinking back of that place and I have no need to set foot there ever again I hope. I warned him no pussy is worth that drive, he was stubborn and he persisted. We started chatting intensively and I explained to him the ins and outs here in purgatory and if he was still willing and able and horny, sure let’s set a date and so we did, so I thought. Then he fell off the face of the earth and my textmessages did not come through because he had a case of cold feet I reckon. Anyway I was ready to let him take the exit, he was not. So we are in limbo.

8. Mister MD hotness. Yes he is a doctor in a hospital and he is hotter then McDreamy. He gives me a fever I have not encountered in quite a while now. I want him very much and I am trying to not lose this one too prematurely. I know his job will come in the way and sure this does not look good on paper. But fuck the paper, I need to fuck this one really bad and truly praying that he is for real and will be true to his word. Covid had other ideas and had messed up our first date appointment. This better not turn sour like all the others, double drat, damn and darnet.

Yes there is a 9 or maybe 10 or even more numbers but I am trying not to jinx it again. I asked the universe to send me my dreamlover and eventho they come in droves, still this is far from easy. I crave for a fuckbuddy, someone interested to stay around a bit longer. Who understands what this is all about. That I do not need to leave my partner in order to create this connection and have amazing sex. Eventho I always say that I am offering uncomplicated sex, the people make it so complicated. Its no rocket science, there is no hidden agenda. I am not playing any games and I even am clear in how to please me. Why the fuck is this so hard people. Now get on board or hop off. Its up to you.

Work in progress

Dear diary,

Its been a while since we shared some words, thoughts and feelings about my adventures in purgatory. There have been some failures and succeses after the loss of mister Kismet. Not so much kismet after all. Maybe I was too hasty in giving him that name. As he walked away and left me standing alone under a sky ablaze only lovers can see, I have been looking for a new steady toyboy.

To fill this hole inside there was mister OneNightstand that went for it and fucked me eventho I was menstruating at the time. Guess I did not leave a very good impression to make this contender stick around. No more words after the courtesy text of thanks had a lovely time and thanks for sucking my dick, bye. Y’all been great but no thank you for a second time,

Mister eager beaver (think I named him something else before- mental note: check on nickname for him) – we set a date for sex on a friday. We arranged the babysitter and I had the day off from work and all set to go. Texted him the adress on tuesday, he confirmed receiving the adress and would text me soon he said. Lifting one eyebrow. On thursday no words yet. Thursday night I texted is tomorrow still on? No response. My man did not want our free playtime to go to waste so he put up an add on SDC. Who wants to come and fuck my girl. Lots of responses and some looked promising. Friday morning, day of our rendezvous was scheduled he texted, yeah we’re still on but have to lay some tiles for friends in the morning. I texted back saying I did not hear anything from him and that there would be more gentlemen coming to the party, if he would mind sharing. He texted back ofcourse he was not interested in coming. He just said Laat maar. No other words just forget it. So I did. Next.

So after mister Slightly bummer, we bounced right back into the sadle. I had 4 men lined up ready to go instead of him and they all looked good on paper, in real life not all of them made the cut unfortunately. Only one showed up and sure did make the cut plentiful, the rest of them were very dissapointing with Sneek boy as the biggest loser of all contenders so far. In hindsight I should have realised that no one actually drives longer then an hour max, to fuck pussy. Sneek is a city up north our country and if you compared Sneek to a faraway place you could compare it to the Alaska of our country. But the way he played this game was like majorly assholish (pardon I know this is probably not a real word) but I digress. He chatted the whole time from the night before and on friday as well like he was going to defenately to show up. He said he was leaving his house, getting in the car, driving and on his way, almost at the door and then silence. No more words, no response to my texts, and here comes the kicker…blocked on SDC site. It actually lets you know if someone has blocked you. Not sugarcoating it for you. This went down like a nasty snakebite…hence the name.

Another showed up for 10 min but due to issues at his job he had to leave while he was entering the house. Mucho apologies and me wondering if it was probably stink breath? Oh that could not have been it because we did not kiss. Must have been whats behind door number two. Yeah am clueless on this one. Next,

Oh yeah have I mentioned number four? He also politely declined and chose the exit sign hanging this time brightly center stage.

But number one did show. And by golly he was so big. I finally had a monster cock and can say I had trouble fitting my mouth around his wood. He was a proper lover, showing up is a feat, but he showed up. I applaud you sir. Sir Italion Stalion the second. He was very intelligent, speaks 7 laguages and has an interesting job, but thats beside the point. Main interesting fact was that he is married (3 months) and this is wife number 3. Some brazilian Rianna lookalike visiting homecountry for a few months leaving horny hubby at home all alone. They swing together if she’s here, and he made a sneak visit to purgatory while she is away non the wiser, so he thinks. This onenighter probably has been put back on his leash because I have not heared or seen him again.

Eventho mister Stalion serviced me very, very thoroughly, I have been somewhat anxious of my time spend loitering here in the waiting area before HELL. It is time for some time away. As I was just minding my own puss time, doing nothing much I suddenly receive many messages from unknown callers on kik messsenger. Curious little bee I am went for a sniff. Amediately sifting through the rotten apples, I find three men pleasent enough to chat with. But my bitter soul can smell the rats eventho this is all online cyber bullshitting. My bitter heart knows no good lover can come out these flaky batch of no true contenders. They try to amuse me, but the puss knows, no real contender. Moving on.

Finally we come to mister Handsome Calvin Klein underwear model. We have been trying to hook up since last year when Covid was still reigning scepter. Setting dates, cancellations here and there, finally he had a small window of opportunity to swing by and we met, fucked, he came twice, I did not, he was pretty though, and he was my last trist into finding a perfect toyboy.

All I can say is that I am not giving up or in, this is just a short respite from finding this bloody small needle in an awefully big large pile of horse shit. I am punching out. My sweet diary its been swell.

He walks away

All I can ever be to you

Is a darkness that we know

And this regret I got accustomed to

Once it was so right

When we were at our high

Waiting for you in the hotel at night

I knew I hadn’t met my match

But every moment we could snatch

I don’t know why I got so attached

It’s my responsibility

And you don’t owe nothing to me

But to walk away I have no capacity

He walks away

The sun goes down

He takes the day, but I’m grown

And in your way

In this blue shade

My tears dry on their own

I don’t understand

Why do I stress the man?

When there’s so many bigger things at hand

We coulda never had it all

We had to hit a wall

So this is inevitable withdrawal

Even if I stopped wanting you

A perspective pushes through

I’ll be some next man’s other woman soon

I cannot play myself again

I should just be my own best friend

Not fuck myself in the head with stupid men

He walks away

The sun goes down

He takes the day, but I’m grown

And in your way

In this blue shade

My tears dry on their own

So we are history

Your shadow covers me

The sky above ablaze

He walks away

The sun goes down

He takes the day, but I’m grown

And in your way

In this blue shade

My tears dry on their own

I wish I could say no regrets

And no emotional debts

‘Cause as we kissed goodbye, the sun sets

So we are history

The shadow covers me

The sky above, a blaze

Only lovers see

He walks away

The sun goes down

He takes the day, but I’m grown

And in your way

My blue shade

My tears dry on their own

Amy Winehouse

The inevitable withdrawal. That happens when you let someone in. And although we have no regrets it still hurts to let him go. I am passed the stage of tears, anger or disbelief. Its still a way from acceptance but it has landed. Yesterday I literally purged myself from all of it, never had to throw up this bad. Now on the other side, I feel steady, I survived. I can let him go, I will be ok.

So, another round of hiring a new lover has commenced. We have a few new potential lovers in the mix this time.

1) mister bright smile. 35. Largely build. Dominant and loves the nasty. Currently number one, not saying only. Big chance I am not the only one for him neither.

2) mister niceguy. 40. Lives closeby. Nice steady attention on the chat. Not too chatty, just right.

3) mister papi. 44. Will be a whirlwind of passion I expect. He is very artistic and a lot to handle. Very chatty and I believe a bit nuts in the head or his autocorrect is very very intrusive.

4) mister ninja. 44. Green eyes. Eager beaver on the chat. Bald and nice figure. Good cock sofar I can tell on his picture. Anyway he looks like a ninja thats why. Hope he doesn’t shy away like one.

5) mister rebound guy. 46. I desperately needed a quick horny fuck to forget my broken heart because it was shattered into tiny bits. He fucked me hard and for a few moments in time I felt desired. Think he is a one nighter.

6) the Red Viking. Part of a swingers couple, responded on our add on sdc. Big big guy, also mucho grande down below. Don’t mind me getting some of it.

7) the Don. Hello, sixpack muscle guy, wowie. Think he will be a hoot and a lot of fun. Not so much chatty online.

8) the Belgian. 20. Young one. Lives too far away obviously, don’t think this will work out oh well, wishfull thinking. Maybe we can have phonesex.

10) the Kickboxing instructor lookalike. Nice good looking young guy. In his twenties I think, don’t know the list is long. Send me a picture of his cock, nicely in proportion. Also does not live too far away. This might be a good contender.

So let me rephrase my wish, the universe got it wrong with the previous contender(s). I like a nice virile young lover, who is totally smitten with me, who sticks around longer, who can handle me, also his cock stays hard and longs for me just as much as I long for him. No relationship complications or exes or difficulties with children etc. Is respectful of the threeway relationship and is a lot of fun to be around with. Is someone like this out there? Does this one exist, perhaps not in purgatory. I see an exit sign glowing and in this darkness thats all I can see.

Just another day in purgatory

Forgive me for it has been a while since my last confession. We had a nice long stable stay away from the crazies in purgatory. Meanwhile you might have wondered what happened with recent lovers on the list. Lets recap shall we.

1) I had to block the Italian stallion. On no condition was I ever meeting up with that guy. Luckily he lives too far away and others in the community did not have good words to say about him as well. Done and gone.

2) Do I have to mention the young fucks? Lets just say I am getting too old for these shits so let it be bygones. With the first one I have still the occasional chat on kik. Told him I am too scared to make a third date where he will stand me up again most likely and my heart can’t take another hit like that. So we are at a standstill. Young fuck number two blew his chances to hell. We made a date, time and place. He did not show. Later on the day he texted he just woke up and if we were still on. I said I had set my alarm for it and waited in my bed naked for him. He texted that he would have liked a reminder the night before our date. I then said he has still a lot to learn about how this sexdating thing goes in RL. He said WOW. I said Bye. In hindsight why willingly envite the drama, boy I am so stupid. More feed for my therapist.

3) the BBC truly is exit now. He wanted another chance. Still texts occasionally but I do not respond.

4) lizard man is done. Shortly after I wrote my last report he texted me that another lover of his got tested positive for Chlamydia. He took a test and he tested positive too. The fucker gave me Chlamydia even with a condom, gamechanger for me. Did not know that was possible. But from all the deceases out there, this one is not the worst. So you can’t masturbate or have sex for 9 days or so. You take one pill and then its done. No biggy…his bedside manner thru this ordeal was very much lacking. Very cold blooded and I showed him the exit sign. I like my blood warm and smooth.

5) Mister Smooth operator. So I got the girlfriend fuck treatment during the date, not so much after I can tell you. Too busy at work yada yada. No mentioning of another meet in the future. I could tell this was an one time fling-ding-a-ling-guy. And that was fine by me. Maybe months later my partner told me he had a strange conversation with a woman from the comunity asking about mister Smooth and our experience with him. He totally did a number on her. Lies after lies the works. Wont go into detail. Not so smooth after all. Oh well…

6) Mister kismet. Unlike any of his predecessors. Very respectful, sweet and strong. We have met for about 5 sexdates now and he is by far the best lover a girl can wish for.He is mainly the reason it took me so long to put my thoughts here. I just don’t want to jinx it you know. With all the crazies and liars out there, do not want to push my luck. I am not ready to end this and I am truly well sated and smitten. He is my sexsoulmate.

7) Talking about being smitten. My partner occasionally still roams around in purgatory and finds me a new lover. Sometimes a single guy, sometimes a couple to swing with. Very short lived moments of extasy but mostly no stick arounds. And that is ok.

Another year in purgatory has flown by and as time is different there then in reality I feel I do not have to spend much time there anymore. I am stable, my craziness is in remission, let me be happy. The empress is being satisfied and lulled into a calm state of being and please do not disturb her. How many hail Mary’s you say?

Last men standing?

Not another recap listing right? Wrong, am going to discuss in detail what happened in purgatory recent months. In order of appearances:

1) I have to discuss the Italian Stalion again because after his first exit he decided he wanted back in and came with the excuse that he did not know up front the girl was under age, by that time I was still less amused and said my goodbyes and wanted to stick by it. Drat my weak heart decided he could have a second chance because everybody deserves one right? We started texting again, he promised it was over with the young pretty face and he still was very into me. The eager dick pics were coming in again on a daily basis. Jerking off vids the works. But a reallife meeting was still not mentioned or in the pipeline. Then facebook send me a friendship suggestion (based on my phonelist contacts where i have his mobilenumber stored in memory) IT WAS HIM!!!! He lied about being Italian and his birthplace was not Italy its freaking Iraq. There is no mentioning of his partner, a blond polish woman that he lives with, a bunch of children and as a good muslim a lot of mentioning of him I shall not name, it honestly put me off again the second time. When he texted me I told him about what I saw on his facebook. He nonchalantly said yeah I am half Italion, I said sure why hide the other half of you then? And lie about it. With me I have a rule, you lie and I find out about it, you are out. You get two strikes, you are exit.

2) Right about the same time my partner tried to find me some big black cock, a BBC I will call him. Ok this one was a headcase too. Showed me two pics of his Cock, huge fucking dick 32 cm hanging in between his legs way down to his knees even. It is a monster. I got scared even thinking it will not fit, I am a tiny tiny woman. Anyway we started chatting on kik and I saw his profile pic, looked a lot like the Weekend but eh we’ll know when we video call if he’s a look a like or faking right? Wrong. When we did video call his camera was allways off. He wanted to look at me though. He told me because of his job his cameras on all devices were shut off for security reasons as his business is in high risk security. He boasted about his sexlife, always having two women there pleasuring him together. I told him straight that he did not need me and my libido and sexual experiences were not up to his level and thought ok this is the end of it, exit BBC. He kept on messaging me with promisses that he wanted to hire me as his personal assistent. I could drive in one of his 5 cars, I played along and told him I wanted this type of scooter. A phatbike city Coco. He ordered one for me. Made an appointment for breastsimplant consult with a plastic surgeon friend of his, as a joke I said throw in some Lipo for my tummy and I am game. He was a faker ofcourse, my gut told me that in all the colors of a flying rainbow, but still I would have been happy with the 32 cm dick that my pussy would get to experience. Not…exit lover, or so I thought. He was like a fish on the hook lying belly up still squirming. And he was still texting me out of the blue trying to scam me into believing his bullshit stories. By now I have had enough and asked not to contact me any further. He was not worthy my attention anymore and I wanted to leave it at that. Exit, stage right.

3) Did I mention the young fuck of last year? 22 y he is now I guess. In a weak moment I texted him again saying I still think about him sometimes and forgetting him is hard and not knowing if we would have clicked IRL is still very hard to let go. I did not expect him to answer my text but he said the feeling was mutual, that he still had feelings for me too. We started chatting again intensely and decided we should try and meet eachother again. We set a time and a date. Like the first time we did that last year, he again stood me up and did not resurface online again. Exit lover, twice. Me feeling like a donkey…

4) Young fuck number two. Also 21 years, got in via kik messenger out of the blue said hi. Our texting shortly turned into sexting, snapchat video calling him masturbating from the waste down filming it, me naked in the shower. Anyway it soon turned a bit weird. He got clingy real fast, wanted me to have him as my one and only lover, jealous even. Saying he needed to fuck me without comdom, wanting to get me pregnant and so on. Yeah, lifting up my one eyebrow. Thinking this would bring in huge drama and complications in my life and into my steady relationship I have with my partner. This is bad seed. Please exit, honestly right?

5) After these four disasters I felt like a train wreck. My partner decided to put up an add on SDC (swingers dating community) the largest dating website for swingers, mentioned it before. Who wants to come and pleasure my wife? He put in a date and time. And not tooting my own horn but there were so many reply messages from men left, right and center. Ofcourse it lifted my ego. He sifted through the initial batch and left a few in the inbox for me to go through. By now he knows my type. Also we have a few criteria we select people on. I went through their profiles, asked for a clear face picture and selected the ones I thought I could have sex with. Send them my contact details and lets the chatting commence. I hit it off with two of them and they both did not mind to come in and fuck me in a threesome together. So I envited them both to come on the speeddate add my partner put online. One showed, the other did not. Number one that showed was an amazing lover. On a sexual level we have great compatibility. He kisses nice, he has very pretty eyes and I love the way he smells. Also his pupils turn into stripes, like a lizard, when he is fucking me hard and intense. He tought me a few new positions, how to take in his cock very deep in my throat, gag and not throw up. How to make sucking motions with my pussy while he is inside, like sucking his dick but not with my mouth obviously but with the puss. His wife knows of his out the house trips into purgatory to have sex with other people, he lives a 20 min drive away, he brings and uses his own comdoms. And occasionally brings in one of his mates so I can have sex with three men. Handle three cocks at the same time inside of me. Very horny I can tell you that. He has come to see me now on a regular basis, which is awesome. Good lay, he can stay.

6) The one that did not show wanted a second chance to make it up to me. Work got in the way and he was sorry. Sure you can honey, you always get a second chance. And I am happy to say the sex was awesome. Make up sex always is. We fucked like we were newlyweds. We did every position and the stamina of this guy is even higher then number one. I thought he was a good lay, this one was an awesome lay. Will he return for seconds, not sure honestly. He made me feel special and he comfirmed that the feeling was intense and mutual, unusually intimate and like I was his girlfriend intense kind of sex. I guess I did good then.

7) And then there is the Last man standing. Mister Kismet I will call you. (Because I know he’ll be reading this.) We are at the stage that a time and date will be set, soon. I am waiting for my work schedule. If it were up to me he would have been into my pants yesterday. He makes me that horny. When I masturbate thinking of him touching my private parts I cum so hard its amazing. This man is so my type that I know this could be dangerous teritory. We are so in sync I feel he is reading my mind and talking to him is so easy. He does not really have to read my blog to understand me, we click on a different level then I have ever experienced before. For him I keep my fingers crossed and legs wide open hoping we will experience ecstasy in eachothers arms, soon, quando quando quando.


A poule mouillée

Summer break is nearly at an end and I am ready to get back in the game. This years batch of lovers, even more dissapointing then last years batch, I am putting them behind me and have started interviewing a new round of potential lovers who might hit the sweet spot. Hopefully these men can find it, unlike their predecessors.

Lowering your standards never a good thing whilst searching for a good sex partner. Never do that. Losing hope and giving up, done that been there, you fall you get up. Trusting the right people, never trust too fast, they will let you down. All the good men are taken and the ones that stray, well lets be honest, they are not truly good. Men in open relationships are debatable. I’ve said it before. You just got to hang in there. What goes on in purgatory will most defenately stay there. Single men are single for a reason and you wont like that reason when you find out he is just another wet chicken. Useless for sure so stay away from that trap. So where is the positive side in all this fucking mayhem? You got to go deeper. I have made a list and am using it as a tool in my interviewing process.

1. I do not actively go online and search for a candidate. They have to show interest in me first. The other way around always turns out to be a weak soup, not tasty at all.

2. After this first contact message I will read through his profile and look for key components that must be compattible with what I am looking for. These key components are: Must live in proximity to our town – age (range 19-69) – pictures of body (parts and such) – profile text of introduction (does he have humor) – Can I have sex with this man? If answer is yes I will reply his message.

3. This step is the first key moment in the selection procedure. How will he proceed? I give him the choice of chatting further on whatsapp (therefor giving him my number but he has to reciprocate) or KIK (this app does not have live video chat function and no need to give ones private number). Men that amediately give their mobile number are generally not very secretive and this process of hiring will be more smoothly in comparison to men that do not want to share their mobile number. If they are secretive of their mobile number, they will be secretive about other parts in their lives and a reallife date will not come to fruition.

4. Let the chatting commence. How does he come across with his words. Does he sound quite intelligent or does he make many spelling faults or typos? Do I get wet from how he chats, does the idea of meeting him turn me on? Is he funny, is he respectful. Does he have good chat etiquette? How are his chat settings in whatsapp, has he turned off certain components so you can’t see if he has read your message, how late/early he logged in or how late was he still online? Does he come online but not respond to your message that you know he has read. Is he transparent or secretive and all will be soon reveiled in this interviewing stage.

5. Exchanging of nude pictures. Does he send the dickpic right away or respectfully later in the game or not at all? How does he respond to your nudies? Is there a mutual physical attraction? Does he sends a response or keeps totally quiet by actually ghosting you after seeing your naked body – not a good sign – end of interview – exit lover. (This actually happened to me once)

6. Does he keep in touch regulary or does he dissapear often, do you wonder if he will reapear or stay away. I have had men reappear after months of no word thinking they can just pick up where they left it. Bad chat etiquette means zero chance of a real hookup – exit lover.

7. Exchange of real first names. I have a pseudonym ofcourse. During introduction I do give my real name. Willingness to reciprocate is key. Or does he stay mysterious or even lies about it and you later find out that he lied. What’s that all about? You can exchange first name only, there is no risk of whatever in that, right? – exit please.

8. After introduction, exchange of the nudies, exchanging of real names, mutual sexual attraction also check, general exchange of small chit chat things, what does he do for a living, does he have a family, wife, children? Is he more a dog person or is he allergic to pets? What is his favourite food? What does he likes to do. Are you sexually compatible on paper? In real life you still have to find out. So and this is also a key moment, does he wants to set a date for a reallife meeting. Is he willing to actually come and fuck you? Or will this turn sour as part of the mindfuck game most of these online predators play so well?

9. So how far he has to drive to come and fuck you is also key. If he has longer then 60 minutes drivingtime, no wet puss is worth that unfortunately. You can be soooo horny and the distance still is a dousing factor to any horny guy. Now we live very central and some can combine it with work travel, still its tricky to rely on such an occasion and in my experience the further away the candidate lives from you, how unlikely it gets this will really turn out to be a good one. So exit lover, again.

10. Relational status. Is he married in an open relationship and do they swing together or also seperately. Does he have an unsuspecting wife? Is their sex life unfulfilling? Are his needs not being fulfilled and is the unsuspecting wife rigid to requests to be intimate or incapable. Or some men just are not a one woman man, like me in reverse. I like my men multiple. To me it does not matter what his status is, only that he does not lie about it. Lies always come out, in the end. Such a dissapointment then and resulting in – exit lover.

11. What does he do for a living? Is handy to know, not a key component in this hiring process but indirectly some jobs can come in the way in the hiringproces for sure. Men that are too busy with their work basically do not really have time for you. Hence no date is forthcoming. Either they use being too busy as an excuse or he is truly a secret agent James Bond figure – no time for hooking up ends in exit. Bye bye.

12. Catfishing SOBs give murky waters and muddle up this hiring proces. When you have a Catfish on the hook, you bleed. They do not. You bleed time, effort, tears, worst case scenario money. When you suspect he might be catfishing you, you are too late and might be emotionally pulled in. So to protect yourself from these wraiths in purgatory you have tools to sieve them out of the pool. Receiving pictures does not mean they are really of him. Trust your gut. When it smells fishy, it usually is. Always ask for videochat before you start picturing yourself naked in his arms. Is he truly for real is up to you to verify. If you can do an internetsearch, by all means try to get the real picture or move on, next please.

13. Birds and the bees, will he use comdoms please. Some get their kicks out of breeding chicks, some can’t perform with rubber it makes them turn into jelly not in a good way. I get an allergic reaction to some rubber or plastic, if its rubbed too long or the wrong way inside my vagina. But in purgatory you got to suit up, its the only way. Multiple men means I got to keep healthy and safe, best wear protection. But how they react beforehand when you pose the question you’ll know what type of person he might be, so its an interesting key in this process, so do ask it and see how it will pan out.

14. So multiple checks on the list, sofar looking good on paper. Smooth transition from cyber into reallife also check. The time and place has been scheduled. The candidate is ready to go to the next phase in hiring. The meeting. As in meeting of the flesh. Also very important. Does he keep the date fixed or does he has to reschedule, a lot? When does he cancel, on the day itself or is he courteous about it and gives you at least a few days headsup? Or does he chooses to ignore your messages and not even show up at the expected time and place. I have seen it all, been there it was all done to me. Yes I have been stood up, next please.

15. The ones that show up, some send a text when they are on their way, are in the front of the house at the door even. The brave ones that made it sofar, proud to say they did because they are 2 out of 10 that have made it to this point in the hiring selection procedure. Most candidates do not look like the pictures they have send. Some turn out positively better and some have been not so positive if I am being honest. Talking about being honest? What’s up with the cock ilusion recently? Is there a way to make your cock look bigger in pictures? And discussing ones size is that even an issue really? For some men its key component number one, it seems. Key for me is that its clean, does not smell of piss, is hard and can keep hard during sex for a pleasurable amount of time. I do not need a porn performance, go on for hours and hours type of cock. Not too big or too small. I have had micro penis before, twice, and they were clueless that I could not feel a damn thing in my pussy. Still waiting on mister baby elephantman to go through to the next level in hiring.

16. Premature ejaculation is a double edged blade. Sure you can be flattered that he finds you so attractive he had to come amediately. Still its a bummer. What does the candidate do with the time given after the load was spilled too soon. Does he go down on you? Will he make an effort or deny that its happened and can’t go again but tries to keep appearances that he can? It all comes down to is he a good lover or not?

Men always get a second chance to redeem themselves with me and some even get a third or more, depends how much in love I am with him. Some are forgotten, given up on or got lost in the initial phases of the hiring process. Some make it to the end and some I will never forget. They came so close before the exit sign glow in the dark. Purgatory is a harsh place with tricky planes. Which light will shine for you? Will it be mine or the green of the exit…or will this be the start of a beautiful friendship kid?

A few good men

If you can’t handle my truth about men and their sex you should not read on.

Life in purgatory has been slow. After going to a second houseparty with too much drugabuse we decided that’s not our scene. A few weeks back we were envited on a date with just one couple at their place and it was interesting to meet a likeminded couple who we had a fun evening with but on a sexual level, not quite so hot as I hoped it would be. Although his wife was very hot she was not bi, so I did not touch her. It all felt a bit off, not quite there, just another vague memory in purgatory. When will I find my way out to paradise?

Lets talk about the potentials. And to best display my feelings towards these men I have a link to spotify (for those who have it) to best illustrate the mood they get me in.

So last years potential, I wanted a younger lover (21 y) and boy did he find me. He did a good number screwing my mind rather then my pussy. He is out of the picture, or is he? This years young candidate found my picture and contact in kik (given to him as a suggestion to connect and he liked my avi -said hi) we started chatting out of the blue and soon it turned into sexchatting. He wanted me to download snapchat (fun app if you are like 20+ younger then me but I gave it a try – still don’t know how to use it. Saw that my cousins are on it so might need a quick tutorial). Anyway, the way that he is avoiding to videochat and the way he chats, certain emoji he uses, the sudden dissapearance reminds me of the mindfucker of last year. Will this one end up the same way? I certainly have learned my lesson and will not be stood up on an actual date again. No sir. I want to have a real facetime chat first for we go to the next level of scheduling an meeting in real life. That’s more so I can rule out I am not actually chatting with M. who broke my heart last year and left me skittish as hell. (https://open.spotify.com/track/3DarAbFujv6eYNliUTyqtz?si=8F1RQ3vrQwap3ILkXnbxQw&dl_branch=1) – Kiss me more by Doja cat

Around the time I was dabating leaving purgatory for what it is and these few good men were nowhere to be found I got a message from a man, from the UK. That got me interested because I have a soft spot for UK men. Also an Irish man contacted me but like most men he evaporated into thin air before any hook up was even discussed. The Scottsman stayed. He send me nice horny pictures of his dick and our friendship started from there. Real life complications prevents us from moving our online contact into a more real life scenario as in that his wife would not approve so only online pleasure is all there is between us. And ofcourse friendship is nice, I can bitch about these few good men to him. (https://open.spotify.com/track/3Vi5XqYrmQgOYBajMWSvCi?si=iPBMdcFDTzehS-KrlUulhw&dl_branch=1) – Need to know by Doja cat

And then there was the Italian Stalion. all in his broken dutch heavy on the accent included. Quick with sending the dick pic, initial thought not a very large specimen, but thats ok. I like a latin lover, they are very attentive and do not play the-lofty- I-am-not-interested-in-you-game the dutch men often do. Anyway, small cock aside, he was truly very horny. Amediately wanted to video sexchat, touching his cock while we were talking and he did not hide his phonenumber. Think he even used his real name and most of them don’t. Honest about his attentions, in an open relationship. Nice horny bi girlfriend, no children or jealous wife in the picture. Only he lives a two hour drive away, bust. Drat, drat and damn, why?????? He even was goodlooking. And then came the redflags. Red flag number 1 sending me pictures of another cock (much larger) and pretending it was his own ( by now I have seen his dick many times so can surely reckognise it in a line up). Red flag number 2 sending me a picture of a beautiful young girl, boasting he fucked her and she is 17. Saying he fucked her three times. I draw the line with sex with under age people so it was a huge turn off. Told him good luck with that and bye y’all. He did not take the hint so I had to explain it again. He still wants to go ahead with the horny talk but I have lost the magic. (https://open.spotify.com/track/3nY8AqaMNNHHLYV4380ol0?si=-dh16ATiSS-b2jO8-NB9Tg&dl_branch=1) – Dick by Starboi3 and Doja cat

A while back my partner thought it might be fun to get me some big black cock. The search for the right one commenced and is harder then you might guess honestly. If your cock has a substantial size, similar in size of a baby elephants trunk, that does not automatically mean your personality is suitable too. And oh boy, do men enhance themselves in a more advantagious angle on camera. In real life I have had two dates now with a potential BBC that truly wasn’t all that was advertised, bust. Then enters mister Big Cock Sugar Daddy. With a huge, 32 cm dick and gorgeous drool worthy body. If this turns out to be truly real, on multiple levels, then momma will be soooooo ecstatically, no hysterically, screaming on top of my head happy. But am a bit scared too, but he says he will be gentle. Sure the redflags are surfacing as we speak and not to jinks anything I will not discuss any future plans, but mommy wants that big dick and hopefully she will get some soon. (https://open.spotify.com/track/3Dv1eDb0MEgF93GpLXlucZ?si=B3KU9oM2QPGRm5vAIZFRtA&dl_branch=1) – Say so by Doja cat

And I leave you with this last link from purgatory where its vague, lonely and confusing. Lusting after a few good men leaving me frustrated and unsatisfied craving for mister Sugar daddy to come thru – https://youtu.be/B6_iQvaIjXw 34 35 by Ariana ft. Doja cat

The empress strikes back

My body is on attack by unknown entities that run havoc on my inner system. The empress in me is not happy and is lashing out. Most days it is a struggle to get out of bed. We are finally getting therapy and I am willing to work on it.

Another party in purgatory has come and gone. Lying in bed now two days after, a nice lazy sunday. These were almost the same group of people that came together to lick, fuck and frolic. Two new couples and a single man were added into the mix and two couples from last time were not there. A very different experience from last time, but same place and same people who hosted the party. For me and my partner it is the second party.

I do feel a very warm fondness for these people but I also see some of their struggles. Again it is difficult for me to become apart of a group of people and feel like I am truly there. Usually I am in my own world, it’s warm and comfy there, it is lonely too, but I know what to expect. There I am ruler of the universe, empress of the mere mortals that fuck around me doing their thing and I have a birdseye view of it all. Have fun little children, yes fuck yourselves and enjoy what I am offering you. I like to give pleasure but stay on top and in control. I decide and it feels heady.

That is part of the reason I don’t do the drugs on offer on these parties. I hate losing control and am scared I wont like the person I would become if I tried the stuff. I have seen it in my mother how it totally destroyed her family life, it totally destroid me as a child. Knowing her high, her own pleasure, the feeling the drugs gave her was more important then loving me. It became so important to her she forgot taking care of me.

There is much drug use on these parties I have noticed. A part of me is wondering why that is. For me sex is a drug, I don’t need another to get me there if you know what I mean. I like the feeling of getting horny and hot and wet. I can get there by watching porn, seeing a guy stroking himself, seeing other people fuck. Hell I even find it a turn on to see my man giving pleasure to other women, I noticed. I masturbated while watching him give a women a climax with his hand. This time there was less fucking and more talking, which is totally fine too. We are relaxed, openminded people and most things are allowed but nothing is a must. I do need to tick all the boxes, the experience is also about getting to know oneself and just to have fun. I don’t mind seeing people use drugs, they can do whatever they want. But seeing my man use it, that is a bridge I fear crossing. I will not lose another loved one to that stuff. The empress says hell no to that. Luckily I have faith in him he won’t betray me like that.

People outside the swingers world often wonder why we (those kind of people that share their bodies) are not afraid of losing their partners to other people. Yes honestly it happens. The rate of seperation or divorse is exactly the same as in the “normal” world. Not more or less. We are all human. We are all at risk all the time. Some are not as strong as other relationships. Some stay together while others are tempted to go elsewhere. You can’t help yourself to compare people, only we know how someone now feels and compare on a sexual level. And if that person looks much nicer or gives me more pleasure in bed, is that reason enough to leave my partner? Fuck no! I can get nice, I have exellence. No one can beat the level of how he treats me. How he knows me. How he takes care of me. Not even Chris Evans would give me real temptation to seperate me from my other half. My man is top dog, he is my emperor and I do not want anyone else. I like to enjoy the masses but not let them into my inner sanctum. I like to give my body to be pleasured and give pleasure but that is all there is. I am not a potential partner, looking elsewhere if the grass is greener. I am still in control and I rule. I am his and he is mine.

To come back to why the empress is not so happy. Did she not get enough cock? Or were the cocks a bit dissapointing again, dearest ruler? To be honest, yes they might have been less then satisfactory. Did you not get adored enough? Do you need to be the center of all attention, is it that? I answer in complete truth, no it is not about that. I don’t want to be the center of all attention, not so shallow as that, am I? I like to be fucked more, and if I have that intimate moment with someone I like to be something special to be experienced. Now I felt it was more about the druguse and getting into a certain vibe for these people then it was about truly fucking. Some had trouble getting into that vibe so they took more. It gave me the oposite feeling of being special, the drugs enhanced their feelings and that feeling was more important then the feeling I could give them. So in hindsight I was indeed not in the center of attention, and though that might bug me a bit, I will not sulk long about it. It was a fun party and what happens in purgatory, stays in purgatory.

Now I am back in the real world, a little trip to purgatory and released some tension, back to cleaning house. Inside needs to be scrubbed and polished to be squeeky clean. The empress puts me to work so must get out of bed, again. Drat.

Swing till (after) you drop

After the drop to the ground, face down smacked hard into cold reality of being let down for the umpteenth time I got back into the sadle again. Nope, not giving up, unwards goes the search. The search for fun, relaxed and openminded people.

Then we found a group of people, a few couples, enjoying their freedom in sex with eachother at the phenomenon called houseparties. Orgie is another word for it. Or sucking and frolicking penisses left, right and center with multiple tongs to one cock. Mighty heady stuff.

I found them friendly and warm and most importantly very horny. It felt like being free and loved at the same time and I fell into big open arms of this huge God of a man with such a welcoming personality, another man I can relate to on a professional level because we have similar jobs and who took me by the arm and guided me into total extasy and then a gorgeous looking circumsized cock, my first, but I did not know how such a cock would feel inside, but man did it feel different. Awesome different. The ridges are more pronounced, the top was soft as velvet but hard as well and I can tell you I enjoyed him intensely. This was pure hardcore porn but everybody was most polite through it all. Oh and I kissed the girls and liked it.

It was very exciting to be dropped into a group of people who know eachother inside and out. Who meet like once a month to enjoy their freedom. In a time we all feel so restricted and locked up. Did we feel anxious because of Covid, hell no. Finally a place I could enter without that nasty mouth mask. Another restriction gone.

So we were the newbies and going in, you never know how the dynamic between people will evolve. We haven’t been to a houseparty together before, this was our first time. Luckily not last because we matched good in the group and got envited to attend again in the near future. Did that help my crushed ego, for sure. My man enjoyed other pussy as well for the first time and I could handle sharing him easily. The relationship I am in is strong and now more then ever I feel like he is my best friend in the world. We can enjoy sex with others and still be totally okay together. I felt strangely a bit proud that the other women liked him and enjoyed his cock too.

Eventho this experience was very horny and we would like to attend more of these parties, this was another ballgame in the arena of purgatory. Maybe the eye of the storm that is my life. I would still like to find a housefriend. A steady lover that can meet regularly and who I click with sexually and who I can fall in love with and most importantly who is in love with me but does not want to claim me for himself alone, who likes the threeway dynamic. To do fun stuff with, laugh, eat wonderful food and to have loads of horny sex, everywhere and multiple times. Not just one time only. Getting that has proven to be almost impossible. Am I giving up? Nope.

Lets talk numbers. If one in ten of the SDC contacts, that do show up, is an enjoyable fuck we have a succes rate of 10 procent. If I stop searching and chatting with potential lovers, due to dissapointments, I will not find that one lover. I would not have experienced all that good sex at that party last time. I must believe that there is more fun to be had out there, right?

It is not all about the numbers, I know that. You can’t click with everybody on a sexual level. Every encounter has differences as well as similarities. I recently met up with a potential lover who I had to turn down. In real life I felt no sexual attraction. Also for the first time I had to reject someone else face to face. I had to say that there was no sexual feelings whatsoever and eventho I dreaded it, I felt relieved I did it. In the past you could pour me some wine and fucking with a person who dries up my pussy in an instant was suddenly not such a task. I know within 2 seconds, honestly If I can fuck the guy, of seeing him. No more saying yes because I feel the need to please everybody. I need to please myself.

So work in progress, note to self. Keep going and stay calm or however the sayings go and yada yada lets just rock on.

I die a little, too much

Normally I start with a title and work through my feelings of the experiences with a certain lover. The encounters I have with those particular lovers accumulate into one big nasty experience and as they turn out the same way, into dissapointing situations, I blame myself. The failure is all mine. Granted, that some also add to the negative experiences as well with a certain ineptness on their part. I can now conclude that its me, that is the problem. I am the common factor in this equasion. The voice inside that is telling me I am not worth it, I am no good to stay around, am too much work, is confirmed. The part that I do have a wonderful partner that finds me awesome keeps me alive and going on. What would I do if I did not have him? I would have died two nights ago. The title is about me. I am the bad egg this time, all the time.

The men that go through my drive through are interested in me for just a quick lay, to forget the badness that is their life and just want to deposit their seed, and not necesarily inside me. And then get the hell back on the highway. They say they want to feel a connection and not something short and meaningless. But when it is offered, it scares them too and after those feelings surface they choose the highway and leave me be. Its ok by now, I understand, I am used to it. It is easy for me to let go now, I have had too many that promissed more but were not able to give me what I need. And that, I can’t blame them for, so I wont. I let them go. And everytime this hurts, I do live on. But when will it not, if I do not adress my feelings and what I need.

My partner is absolutely the best, but the hole inside me is so enormous, it can’t be filled by him alone. It is not possible and it is not because of his shortcomings or that he is lacking anything. he can’t fix my pain, nothing can. You try with the usual stuff. Food, drugs, work, sex or love for others. Lets try with love for myself, that is not going to happen because that part of me is broken. I am searching for others to love me because I am wired wrong and can’t give it to myself. I get sad and dissapointed when I find out that others can’t as well. But by now I do expect it and I let them go.

Everytime I die a little inside, and the one who walked away recently, did not want to hurt me. I commend his attitude for it but he found me in shambles to begin with. The young lover before him completely shattered what was left of my tiny heart that was holding on to survive. It is dead now. The last of it is gone. I do not want to receive anybody inside me, I am closed for business. I am not moving on anymore and not trying to find the one who will help fix my heart. It can not be fixed. I am giving up. I must take a breath when I remember, but now it has seeped into other parts of my body and it is breaking down. I forget to breath truly and physically because I don’t want to anymore, my body went into shock two nights ago and I almost died. I can understand this is too much for anyone to handle, let alone mister new lover who I was chatting with. He got back on the highway, is to be expected. And I do not find it surprising. Who would want to fuck with a wreck like me. Too complicated, too intense, too much of everything and it will kill you. So get out while you can, right? This is my thought, do I need to get out as well and leave it all behind? I am waiting still for a therapist, on the waitinglist, I am waiting for help and scared of dying, but every thought and feeling that comes from that is pushing me that way. I do not want my son to get hurt as I got hurt and broken by what my mother did, also unintentionally, but hurt me, she did. So many times in such a cruel way. Nobody wants to hear this, nobody understands it and even when I share this world with so many people, I feel alone. Sometimes I think I get a glimpse of someone that wants to get to know the real me, he gets scared. And chooses the highway, leaving me behind.

Alone again, naturally