My body is on attack by unknown entities that run havoc on my inner system. The empress in me is not happy and is lashing out. Most days it is a struggle to get out of bed. We are finally getting therapy and I am willing to work on it.
Another party in purgatory has come and gone. Lying in bed now two days after, a nice lazy sunday. These were almost the same group of people that came together to lick, fuck and frolic. Two new couples and a single man were added into the mix and two couples from last time were not there. A very different experience from last time, but same place and same people who hosted the party. For me and my partner it is the second party.
I do feel a very warm fondness for these people but I also see some of their struggles. Again it is difficult for me to become apart of a group of people and feel like I am truly there. Usually I am in my own world, it’s warm and comfy there, it is lonely too, but I know what to expect. There I am ruler of the universe, empress of the mere mortals that fuck around me doing their thing and I have a birdseye view of it all. Have fun little children, yes fuck yourselves and enjoy what I am offering you. I like to give pleasure but stay on top and in control. I decide and it feels heady.
That is part of the reason I don’t do the drugs on offer on these parties. I hate losing control and am scared I wont like the person I would become if I tried the stuff. I have seen it in my mother how it totally destroyed her family life, it totally destroid me as a child. Knowing her high, her own pleasure, the feeling the drugs gave her was more important then loving me. It became so important to her she forgot taking care of me.
There is much drug use on these parties I have noticed. A part of me is wondering why that is. For me sex is a drug, I don’t need another to get me there if you know what I mean. I like the feeling of getting horny and hot and wet. I can get there by watching porn, seeing a guy stroking himself, seeing other people fuck. Hell I even find it a turn on to see my man giving pleasure to other women, I noticed. I masturbated while watching him give a women a climax with his hand. This time there was less fucking and more talking, which is totally fine too. We are relaxed, openminded people and most things are allowed but nothing is a must. I do need to tick all the boxes, the experience is also about getting to know oneself and just to have fun. I don’t mind seeing people use drugs, they can do whatever they want. But seeing my man use it, that is a bridge I fear crossing. I will not lose another loved one to that stuff. The empress says hell no to that. Luckily I have faith in him he won’t betray me like that.
People outside the swingers world often wonder why we (those kind of people that share their bodies) are not afraid of losing their partners to other people. Yes honestly it happens. The rate of seperation or divorse is exactly the same as in the “normal” world. Not more or less. We are all human. We are all at risk all the time. Some are not as strong as other relationships. Some stay together while others are tempted to go elsewhere. You can’t help yourself to compare people, only we know how someone now feels and compare on a sexual level. And if that person looks much nicer or gives me more pleasure in bed, is that reason enough to leave my partner? Fuck no! I can get nice, I have exellence. No one can beat the level of how he treats me. How he knows me. How he takes care of me. Not even Chris Evans would give me real temptation to seperate me from my other half. My man is top dog, he is my emperor and I do not want anyone else. I like to enjoy the masses but not let them into my inner sanctum. I like to give my body to be pleasured and give pleasure but that is all there is. I am not a potential partner, looking elsewhere if the grass is greener. I am still in control and I rule. I am his and he is mine.
To come back to why the empress is not so happy. Did she not get enough cock? Or were the cocks a bit dissapointing again, dearest ruler? To be honest, yes they might have been less then satisfactory. Did you not get adored enough? Do you need to be the center of all attention, is it that? I answer in complete truth, no it is not about that. I don’t want to be the center of all attention, not so shallow as that, am I? I like to be fucked more, and if I have that intimate moment with someone I like to be something special to be experienced. Now I felt it was more about the druguse and getting into a certain vibe for these people then it was about truly fucking. Some had trouble getting into that vibe so they took more. It gave me the oposite feeling of being special, the drugs enhanced their feelings and that feeling was more important then the feeling I could give them. So in hindsight I was indeed not in the center of attention, and though that might bug me a bit, I will not sulk long about it. It was a fun party and what happens in purgatory, stays in purgatory.
Now I am back in the real world, a little trip to purgatory and released some tension, back to cleaning house. Inside needs to be scrubbed and polished to be squeeky clean. The empress puts me to work so must get out of bed, again. Drat.